Once the clock ticks one second over that time limit, you relinquish all rights to your booze. Your vodka? It’s now mine. ALL MINE. This unspoken rule should be gospel in the minds of every party-goer in the world, but apparently it is not. So, in the interests of ensuring that everyone is on the same page when it comes to party etiquette and what to expect when you attend a house party in the modern era, I’ve compiled a few notes for your perusal.
If the invitation says the party begins at 6pm, it really starts at 7pm. And that’s only for friends that are so close that you’d trust them to delete your internet history when you die. For all other friends, 8pm is good benchmark and 9ish is acceptable for acquaintances or people who have been invited out of pity or politeness (housemates/partners/colleagues of some friend that the host already invited – I’m looking in your direction!). If you actually arrive on time like a rookie, be aware you may be forced to scale the back fence and break into the house because the hosts are off buying supplies (read: more beer). And for the love of Jebus, NEVER SHOW UP EARLY.
DRUNK TEXT MESSAGES
You know that ill-advised text message you sent while intoxicated at said raging party? If you delete it in the morning without reading it, it’s basically like it never even existed and the recipient does NOT, under any circumstances, think you just made a massive fool of yourself. They may even think your woeful grammar, incorrectly spelt words and TMI texts sent at an awkward hour are endearing. Probably not though.
GOT THE MUNCHIES?
When in doubt, always eat more dip.
Pretty self-explanatory, really. Om nom nom.
FACEBOOK EVENT RSVPING
YES – means ‘I might rock up, depending on whether or not I get any better offers between now and the date of party. Better offers could include (but are not limited to): eating pizza in my underwear, watching a Game Of Thrones marathon or having a SingStar rap-off with a busload of Japanese tourists.’
MAYBE – means ‘It’s 90% likely I’m not coming but I want to look like I’m at least considering your invitation on the off-chance I might need a favour from you in the near future such as you lending me $20 to buy a load of mini Easter eggs to pelt at children doing their annual Easter egg hunt.’
NO – means ‘Seriously, why did you even invite me? Are we even friends? I probably blacklisted you from my life months ago.’
NO REPLY – It’s a mystery! These people have given no indication of their intentions. Will they show up, party their pants off and have an awesome time throwing tequila shots down their throats? Spoiler alert: no. They’re not coming.
WHAT’S YOUR POISON? CHOOSE WISELY
On the indicator of personality awesomeness based solely on drink choice at parties, the scale goes like this:
Most spirits > beer > wine > pre-mixed drinks > coca cola > all other soft drinks >water > milo > moonshine > Jim Beam and coke.
THROW ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE!
If your guests have resorted to rifling through your cupboards and eating nothing but bread and tomato sauce, it’s probably time to get the barbecue cranking and chuck some snags on. Just throwing it out there. Not inspired any recent, real-life incident. Especially not one involving a certain housemate. Let’s call him D. Degasperi. No, wait, that’s too obvious – we’ll go with Dan D.