Lesson #402 You have 24 hours to pick up your leftover booze after a party

vodka party alcohol booze

 

Once the clock ticks one second over that time limit, you relinquish all rights to your booze. Your vodka? It’s now mine. ALL MINE. This unspoken rule should be gospel in the minds of every party-goer in the world, but apparently it is not. So, in the interests of ensuring that everyone is on the same page when it comes to party etiquette and what to expect when you attend a house party in the modern era, I’ve compiled a few notes for your perusal.

 

PARTY ARRIVAL

If the invitation says the party begins at 6pm, it really starts at 7pm. And that’s only for friends that are so close that you’d trust them to delete your internet history when you die. For all other friends, 8pm is good benchmark and 9ish is acceptable for acquaintances or people who have been invited out of pity or politeness (housemates/partners/colleagues of some friend that the host already invited – I’m looking in your direction!). If you actually arrive on time like a rookie, be aware you may be forced to scale the back fence and break into the house because the hosts are off buying supplies (read: more beer). And for the love of Jebus, NEVER SHOW UP EARLY.

 

party hat goat

I bet these goats always arrive at a party at a socially acceptable time.

 

DRUNK TEXT MESSAGES

You know that ill-advised text message you sent while intoxicated at said raging party? If you delete it in the morning without reading it, it’s basically like it never even existed and the recipient does NOT, under any circumstances, think you just made a massive fool of yourself. They may even think your woeful grammar, incorrectly spelt words and TMI texts sent at an awkward hour are endearing. Probably not though.

 

drunk text honey boo boo

What you look like when you’re trying to drunk text. Don’t worry – we’ve all been there!

 

drunk texting

Aaaand the reaction once you realise what you’ve done.

 

 

GOT THE MUNCHIES?

When in doubt, always eat more dip.
Pretty self-explanatory, really. Om nom nom.

big chip in dip the chosen one

Although, eating dip does pose its own, unique set of challenges.

 

FACEBOOK EVENT RSVPING

YES – means ‘I might rock up, depending on whether or not I get any better offers between now and the date of party. Better offers could include (but are not limited to): eating pizza in my underwear, watching a Game Of Thrones marathon or having a SingStar rap-off with a busload of Japanese tourists.’

MAYBE – means ‘It’s 90% likely I’m not coming but I want to look like I’m at least considering your invitation on the off-chance I might need a favour from you in the near future such as you lending me $20 to buy a load of mini Easter eggs to pelt at children doing their annual Easter egg hunt.’

NO – means ‘Seriously, why did you even invite me? Are we even friends? I probably blacklisted you from my life months ago.’

NO REPLY – It’s a mystery! These people have given no indication of their intentions. Will they show up, party their pants off and have an awesome time throwing tequila shots down their throats? Spoiler alert: no. They’re not coming.

 

party hat no friends

Me, every time I decide to create a Facebook event for a party.

 

WHAT’S YOUR POISON? CHOOSE WISELY

On the indicator of personality awesomeness based solely on drink choice at parties, the scale goes like this:

Most spirits > beer > wine > pre-mixed drinks > coca cola > all other soft drinks >water > milo > moonshine > Jim Beam and coke.

cat drinking beer heineken

The verdict is in: good drink choice, kitty.

THROW ANOTHER SHRIMP ON THE BARBIE!

If your guests have resorted to rifling through your cupboards and eating nothing but bread and tomato sauce, it’s probably time to get the barbecue cranking and chuck some snags on. Just throwing it out there. Not inspired any recent, real-life incident. Especially not one involving a certain housemate. Let’s call him D. Degasperi. No, wait, that’s too obvious – we’ll go with Dan D.

zac efron bbq barbecue

You can tell this isn’t my housemate because he’s cooking a barbecue at a reasonable time. Also because it’s Zac Efron.

Lesson #577 Food sacrilege: meat pies don’t exist in North America

north america map funny centre

When you travel to North America (presumably for the chance to get messed up on Clamato juice*, fumble with weird coins to gain entry to some random landmark that you probably don’t understand the significance of, or attempt to make up for your lack of personality by brandishing a cool accent) or when foreigners come here to traipse around the Lucky Country, there’s things that every knows are going to be different. Cars are driven on opposite sides of the road, the “lollies” vs “candy” debate still lingers and some people use made-up words like “vacation” and “prom” while normal people (read: Aussies) use perfectly understandable terms such as “arvo”, “suss” and “goon bag”.  As it should be.

But there’s also some strange discrepancies between our continents that I had never realised existed until recently. Here’s a taste:

IN THE USA AND CANADA, YOU CAN’T SAY THE C WORD

rocky capsicum green peppers face

A rare species of capsicum: Rocky Face

Yep, that’s right: capsicum.

This scenario reared its ugly head when I attempted to purchase the culinary delight that is a Subway sandwich and the sandwich artist informed me they don’t stock capsicum. This is despite me being able to see said capsicum clearly about 20 centimetres in front of my face. During later encounters with Subway I tried to avoid repeating this horrifying situation by using the term “peppers” instead of “capsicum” whenever I ordered. Trying to get down with the local lingo and all that, you know? Turns out this is also wrong. It’s “green peppers” dammit! Who knew specifying a colour could be so intensely linked to whether you receive a tasty sub or not?

Also, dropping the other “C” word is ridiculously offensive there too. Don’t do that.

THERE ARE NO MEAT PIES

harry styles meat pie

Yeaaaaaah – Harry loves a good meat pie!

This is a tragedy. I can’t even deal. Imagine a world where you’ve never had the chance to sample the mouth-watering flavour combination of crumbly pastry, delicious minced beef all topped off with the world’s favourite condiment – tomato sauce. Just awful. Pray for their dear souls.

meat pie america

My response when an American admitted he’d never heard of meat pies. I may have overreacted slightly.

THEY’VE NEVER HEARD OF SKIPPY THE BUSH KANGAROO

skippy drums bush kangaroo australia

Drumming is just one of Skippy’s many talents

I mean, who doesn’t need a badass kangaroo in their life that can relay essay-length news to humans of kids stuck down an abandoned mine shaft (again!) with merely a twitch of its snout? “What’s that, Skip? Americans and Canadians are missing out?” Yep.

skippy the bush kangaroo canada australia

A Canadian’s reaction to watching Skippy for the first time

DUMMIES ARE FOR DUMMIES

maggie dummy pacifier the simpsons

You get a dummy! And you get a dummy! Everybody gets a dummy!

You know those secret weapons that make babies stop wailing uncontrollably? Apparently they’re only known as dummies in Australia. Elsewhere – and not just in North America – they have different names entirely. This is a lesson I learnt the hard way when stuck between two crying tots in a car in England with their parents telling me to “Stick the dodie in their mouths!” in attempt to muffle their screams. I found out later dodies are the equivalent of what we call dummies  and which are called binkies or pacifiers in the States. This information should surely be on a travel brochure or something. And those babies – I’m convinced they could smell my fear. I bet they weren’t even distressed, they were just secretly delighting in the fact that I had no idea what a dodie was and just wanted to wreak some havoc. Well played little ones, well played.

*Clam and tomato juice – not as disgusting as it sounds. Big in Canada.

Lesson #739 Being good at Tetris increases your street cred.

tetris club

Source: tumblr.com/1los

How many times were we told while growing up that we were wasting our lives playing video games?

Well, parents admit defeat because you were wrong. Those countless hours spent in front of TV and computer screens didn’t destroy our lives – not only because being a skilled player makes you SUPER FREAKING COOL (well, to the right crowd  at least), it also prepared us for much of life’s most common scenarios and pitfalls.

TETRIS

tetris eff shit up

One of life’s biggest challenges
Source: tumblr.com/matador

We didn’t know it at the time, but Tetris was the game that was most useful in providing skills to help us navigate the challenging obstacles that inevitably appear in life. Need to stack every cup, plate, saucepan and spatula you’ve ever owned into the dishwasher before your mother pops over for an impromptu visit? Don’t worry, because of Tetris, you’ve got this. Or trying to fit all your food into your tiny designated shelf in the fridge/pantry that you share with your housemates? Tetris skills have you covered. Or maybe you’re moving house and can’t be bothered hiring a moving truck so instead you push everything you own  – including your ex-boyfriend’s hoodie that you “forgot” to return – into your car and hope for the best. I mean, it’s likely you’ll reverse into your letterbox on account of not being able to see behind because there’s too much crap in too small of a space. But in terms of fitting everything in? YOU HAVE BEEN PREPARING YOUR WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT. Let the glory of success sink in. Thank you for all you have done for me Tetris. I’ll never forget you.

Also, being good at Tetris ups your street cred considerably. I’m yet to meet anyone who isn’t suitably impressed by someone that is good at shoving virtual coloured blocks together and making them disappear. And they should rightfully be impressed. Because TALENT!

MARIO KART

mario kart pie chart

Yep, pretty accurate.
Source: weheartit.com

Princess Peach. Yoshi. Toad. Bowser. The world’s most famous Italian plumbing trio (Mario, Luigi, Wario). All the main players, the A-list of the Nintendo world you could say, make an appearance in this fiercely competitive game. And what can we learn from participating in this hotly contested race? A) Screaming “DIE BITCH DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” to your younger sibling is a socially acceptable reaction to being forced into last place after she throws some tortoise shells at your character onscreen, slowing you down instantly, B) If you’re not first, you’re last and you must win Mario Kart whatever the cost.DO WHATEVER IT TAKES! and C) Most importantly: mushrooms = power boost. Mushrooms will always speed up any task you’re faced with. Never forget that.

PAC MAN

Pacman psych

The perils of being Pacman are deep, man. DEEP!
Source: tumblr.com/psychcomedy

What even the actual fuck is Pac Man? Is he a yellow, circle-shaped alien? Is he a pie-chart who has been fired from his job at an Excel spreadsheet for not correctly displaying the ratio of seeds planted versus tomatoes eventually harvested from Old MacDonald’s Farm? I just don’t even…

I do, however, like the fact that Pac Man kind of looks like a pie that has had a slice already eaten from him. I like pie. Pie is delicious.

But in addition to making me think of food, Pac Man furthers our life education by demonstrating that if you eat too many of those white pill-looking things, those weird blobby characters turn into weird blue blobby characters and then you feel the need to try to munch down on them until only their (oddly-mobile) eyes are left.  And no one wants that.  So that’s probably an ill-advised activity to undertake.

DONKEY KONG

donkey kong bananas

This game used to drive me bananas! Boom, tish!
Source: tumblr.com/fr0zenheart23

There are probably a lot of things we may have learnt from playing Donkey Kong, but let’s be honest here – they all pale in comparison to the fact that if it wasn’t for this game, we would have never been introduced to the phrase “It’s on like Donkey Kong!” Which is essentially the best phrase on the entire planet.  Hashtag enough said.

THE SIMS

the sims baby bbq barbecue funny

Seems legit.
Source: tumblr.com/areweevenalive

the sims baby burn on fire

Some people just want to watch the world/their baby burn
Source: tumblr.com/momjeansaresexyaf

Who hasn’t wanted to play God at one point or another in their life? The Sims allows for this while simultaneously  teaching players that you need to balance all your various needs effectively (whether they be health, social, career, etc.) to be happy at life. Which would be useful if players actually stopped playing the game at some point and opted instead for the real-life version of this ‘simulating life’ game. You know, like actual life.

Other essential life lessons drawn from The Sims include discovering that: a short stint on the treadmill makes you super healthy, kissing someone heaps of times will result in a baby and when you take a shower, your body will morph into some kind of weird pixelated matter. Just as I suspected.

Oh, and if you don’t like someone in the real world? There’s nothing more satisfying than creating a doppleganger Sim, then placing them in a pool with no ladder until they drown or refusing to feed them ‘til they starve to death. Mwahahahaha. I mean, what? I don’t do that. *Cough.* *shifts eyes left to right uncomfortably*.

the sims tina fey 30 rock

My life summary.
Source: tumblr.com/appledoom4

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Lesson #342: Santa is kind of creepy and contradicts parental protection policies.

SPECIAL GUEST POST WRITTEN BY THE UBER TALENTED JULIA SMART🙂

I don’t know about you guys, but growing up I had this little guy in my face on an alarmingly regular basis.

safety house

The happy yellow dude tasked with saving kids’ lives. No pressure.

A safety house kids! This is a safety house! If a stranger is following you, look for this sign, look for a safety house! If a stranger asks you to follow them, or get in their car, or gives you a lolly or EVEN LOOKS AT YOU then find a safety house; find a teacher, a friend, a parent, an adult you trust!

STRANGER DANGER KIDS!

Who is a stranger? What do you do if a stranger approaches you? What if that stranger tells you he has a litter of puppies sleeping in a pile of lollies in the back of his van and you can cuddle each and every puppy while eating said lollies if you just come and get in the van? Get to a safety house! A SAFETY HOUSE!

Hey, I get it. This is a very real threat, kiddies get abducted, and parents are mega-freaked out about it to the point where they’ve trained their kids to not even accept a lolly from a guy handing out lolly samples in the supermarket (jks: no kid is that well trained). And parents are freaked out about vans, and men in vans and men in vans who look like this guy.

See! Nothing to worry about!

Yeah, I get it.

But the point at which I get a little bit critical about the whole process is when it comes to this guy.

happy santa cool santa christmas

This guy! Yay!

Yeah, you know this guy. He’s seen in shopping malls all over the joint, chatting casually to kids sitting on his lap about what unsolicited gifts he, and his team creepy midgets he keeps imprisoned as slave labour in ice cave gulags in the North Pole, can get these children purely out of the goodness of his heart and oh, that’s right, he chats to them about how he’s going to pop on into their houses to deliver these unsolicited gifts IN THE MIDDLE OF THE F***ING NIGHT.

What the hell, parents? You’re going to preach stranger danger to me, and then annually promote this guy breaking into the house in the middle of the night to leave gifts? You even leave food out to encourage this guy to break in! Which on an unrelated noted is obviously terrible for his health given his grave weight problem. But seriously, what is December, reward-the-dude-who-breaks-into-your-house-while-wearing-a-red-suit month? How can you endorse this guy when you tell me not to take lollies from Vincent down the road? Is it the fancy sleigh with bells and shit? Because Vincent told me his van is full of fairy floss.

Who is this guy? Have you actually MET Santa? Have you SEEN him? Have you actually sat down and had a good ole heart-to-heart about life and death and the spirit of giving, while quickly checking his criminal record and giving him a Working with Children check?

This guy could be anyone! ANYONE!

misfits nathan santa christmas

It could be this guy…

criminal santa christmas

or this guy

creepy santa christmas

Or worse, this guy!

Way to be super contradictory and inconsistent in your stranger danger policy, parents. I mean, isn’t a sleigh a kind of van? Aren’t reindeer (flying ones at that!) kind of like puppies? How come Santa gets a free pass to be a creeper, stalking through people’s houses at night like an overweight, red-clad ninja? Is it because he’s all jolly and shit, or is it because he leaves presents for everyone? You’re sell-outs, parents. SELL OUTS!

THIS IS SO CONFUSING PARENTS! How are kiddies supposed to know who to trust anymore! And don’t even get me started on the fact that allegedly there is a giant rabbit breaking into our houses annually to leave chocolate. What, giant animals and jolly men in red suits can’t be paedophiles?

You show me Santa’s criminal record and let me sit down and have a chat to the guy, and I’ll consider letting him pop into my house for an annual visit. Until then, the big man in red had better watch his back.

cat reindeer santa christmas

Not super relevant – just adorable

Lesson #44 Shitty music taste is a relationship deal breaker

There are many things about a person that can be incredibly off-putting when searching for The One… or at least, The One Who Will Let You Smush Your Naked Body Parts Against Theirs And Not Cry Afterwards.

If your love interest shows even the slightest sign that they may possess any of the following unsavoury personality traits, it is time to accept they are unsuitable for soulmate duties and/or swapping bodily fluids with. The only people who could potentially make worse choices as lovers are Hitler (for the whole killing-millions-of-people thing), Spongebob Squarepants (living in such a perishable home is not ideal for a sneaky make-out sesh) and that guy on that reality talent show who smashed watermelons on his head  (anyone who wastes perfectly delicious fruit is dead to me).  Only just though.

HAVING BAD MUSIC TASTE

This is a no brainer. You must have appropriate music taste otherwise you might as well not even exist. Nirvana? Keeper.  Anything played on Triple J? Acceptable. Blurred Lines? GTFO.
For serious, who doesn’t love at least one Nirvana song? What are you – dead inside?

blurred lines robin thicke

No. Just no.


FAILING TO RECOGNISE THE GENIUS OF THE BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY

The day I’m not interested in re-watching Marty McFly’s shenanigans for the 1 248 009th time is the day I don’t want to live anymore. Any person worthy of sharing saliva with will have been coveting a hoverboard for years, recognise the importance of Gray’s Sports Almanac and cannot resist screaming something about a flux capacitor and getting up to 88 miles per hour whenever they catch a glimpse of a DeLorean. Anyone who’s not into BTTF can make like a tree and get out of here.

back to the future marty mcfly lorraine baines

POSSESSING THE ABILITY TO NAME SEVERAL ONE DIRECTION MEMBERS

You should only be able to correctly name one at most. And that one name should be Harry Styles. If you can correctly tell people the full name of anyone else in that boy band then it pains me to say that you are just not relationship material. Disregard this advice if you’re trying to date a 15-year-old girl. They will know all five of them plus their birthdays plus their pets’ names and that’s just the price you have to pay for wanting to hit on a prepubescent teenage girl.

one direction harry styles

Word on the street is this band might get kinda big


NOT HAVING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT

If someone is not on Facebook it means you have to make an actual effort to speak to them. Ugh. Also, how the hell are you supposed to stalk them then casually reference a band they said they liked in a status update posted in April 2010? ARE YOU AN ANIMAL??!!

cyanide and happiness comic facebook

My reaction when someone tells me they’re not on Facebook.


WEARING A HUMAN-SHAPED SLEEPING BAG

Actually, that one’s a lie. This shit is effing sexy!

selk bag sleeping bag human shaped

Resisting urge to throw myself at this guy

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed
Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed

stop following me shadow

You’re walking home one night. You’re alone. It’s dark. And you’re heading down a path that’s a little bit stabby.

Maybe you’re a vampire who adores leisurely strolls in the moonlight and sculling human blood like someone just called last drinks at the bar. Or you could just be heading home from work/a friend’s place/boozy night on the town. Which I guess is more likely. Whatever, I don’t want to make assumptions; I’m not here to judge.

You keep walking and it gets to the point where you’re convinced that guy behind you is following waaaaaaay too closely. This is it, you think, I am definitely going to die a slow, excruciating death in about 20 seconds. AND I DIDN’T EVEN FIND OUT WHO GOT EVICTED FROM BIG BROTHER THIS WEEK.UGGGGHH. FML.

So. What do you do? After searching your pockets for some form of self-defence mechanism , you don’t find a gun (because, uh, you’re not crazy and/or an American) or a razor (yep, not a character in the fourth season of Underbelly either) so your mind rapidly starts looking for answers. Then it comes to you – you’ll get all MacGyver-esque and get yourself out of the situation by unrealistically turning everyday objects that you find in your pockets or handbag into HARDCORE WEAPONS OF DESTRUCTION to use against the aforementioned creepy guy.

The following items commonly found in your handbag/wallet/pockets are brilliant for transforming into makeshift weapons:

CREDIT CARDS

All you have to do is origami the shit out of them and fold in the correct manner according to several complex directions found on the internet until it transforms into a machete or something. Sure, credit card material is a little tougher to fold than paper – as in there’s a 50/50 chance it’ll snap in half, release thousands of tiny flesh-piercing credit-cards shards into the air, land in your eye and irreparably impair your vision for the next 40 years until a cure for blindness is discovered. But don’t even worry about that. You got this!

origami weapon dinosaur

Or you could origami this dinosaur thing. That’s cool too.

PENS/PENCILS

Just rub these babies against concrete until the ends have been worn into sharp pointy bits that resemble darts. Then use them as darts against your would-be attacker pretending he or she is dart board! Ten points for hitting or at least grazing the person after you’ve thrown the pencil-dart at them. You’ll receive 50 for a straight-in-the-eye shot and if you get it stuck in their belly button you get 50 000 points, your framed photo in the pencil-dart hall of fame and a special place in my heart for just being so awesome.

human target pencil darts

Yep, that’s pretty much how I envision this going down

KEYS

Nothing like a good jab in the ol’ [insert any vulnerable body part whatsoever – I’m not fussy] with a key to show someone who’s boss. This is like the fast food equivalent of weapons – quick, cheap, ready-made, not-even-an-idiot-could-mess-it-up but you’d probably still rather something a little fancier. Basically, just use it like a shank and try to do some stabbing. For posh rich people who only own cars with keyless entry and swipe passes to access their homes… well, sorry peeps, guess this tip’s not for you. I mean you could always try jabbing with that little non-key box thing. Couldn’t hurt to try, really.

stabbing key weapon dangerous

Apparently there’s a correct and incorrect way to get all Stabby McStabster on someone with your keys. Noted.

COINS

If Lenny from The Simpsons has taught us anything (other than being too close-knit with a black friend of the same gender will make people automatically assume you are gay), it’s that you should never get anything lodged in your eye – least of all coins. Using this concept as your guiding principle, you should throw a handful of coins in the same way you’d throw a Frisbee to someone… except you aim for their eyes. There is no possible way this could turn out badly. Not even slightly. Yeah, you might not die. Maybe.

lenny eye gag the simpsons

NOT LENNY!

More Lessons

Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is a stoner

Fictional children’s characters. They’re super sweet and nothing but good, clean, wholesome fun. Right?

No way – scratch the surface and it’s apparent that many of our favourite children’s heroes are actually just a front for a world teeming with hedonism, criminal activities and downright immoral behaviour. Here’s a little taste of some of the most disturbing perpetrators as well as the crimes they commit.

mary poppins drugs weed

I’ll say… *cough* stoner *cough*

Mary Poppins. Crime: Drug using

Don’t let the whole ‘being responsible for wayward children with daddy issues’ thing fool you. This is a woman who gets ‘high’ – literally high enough to reach the ceiling in fact – then satisfies her munchies by having a tea party on said ceiling. Not convinced she’s stoned? Think about it: there’s way too much laughter in that room for any of it to have been induced naturally. And all of this with a couple of kids in tow? What a badass.

mary poppins drugs
See? Drugs

Prince Charming. Crime: Bigamy

Two words: man whore. Among the extensive list of princesses he has seduced are Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. And those are only the women with enough swag to have fairytales written about them. There’s probably a pumpkin-carriage out there somewhere overflowing with groupies peasant women who he also bedded. Plus, correct me if I’m wrong, but I can’t recall any fairytales ending with “And then they lived happily ever after… until their divorce three months later when every moment they breathed, they were in a living hell”. So I’m guessing he’s still married to them all. Which is a little bit illegal. And by a “litte bit”, I mean “definitely”.

Prince Charming

Step away from the princess, Charming.

Sleeping Beauty* Crime: Sexual Assault.

So this chick falls asleep in a dodgy, isolated area of the woods. (Or more likely, is in a coma, because let’s be honest, unless she’s had one hell of a night on the turps I don’t think she’d realistically manage to stay passed out for 100 years. More like 80 years. Max.) Nekminnit some sleazy princes stumbles along and makes out with her while she’s still unconscious and everybody is totally cool with it. Awesome. Can’t wait ’til my knight in shining armour comes along and forcibly sticks his tongue down my throat. That’s true love for sure.

sleeping beauty prince charming

Fairytales teach us that kissing an unconscious person is socially acceptable

Tommy Pickles from Rugrats. Crime: Break and Enter

This tiny tyrant is a crafty criminal in the making. Covertly carrying around a screwdriver that he stashes in his nappy, Tommy can bust out of anything from his playpen to gates in backyards. His natural predisposition for breaking into and out of places in this manner is clearly foreshadowing his talents as a break-and-enter criminal mastermind later in life. Meanwhile, the adults in the rugrats’ lives don’t have a clue what these kids (or should I say, gang that may one day be more notorious than the Hell’s Angels) are up to. As if Tommy isn’t crawling around thinking, “I didn’t choose the smug life, the smug life chose me”.

tommy pickles screwdriver rugrats

The second coolest screwdriver in the world (the first being the vodka-and-OJ kind)

Miss Piggy from the Muppets. Crime: Sexual Harassment

Miss Piggy spends the majority of her time chasing Kermit the Frog – who generally feels extremely uncomfortable when subjected to these unwanted advances. Yet, despite this, she continues. And that my friend, is called sexual harassment. Which is almost universally frowned upon. Except in certain suburbs of Sydney. But let’s not even open that can of worms.

miss piggy hits kermit the frog

She also hits Kermit a lot. Domestic violence? No biggie.

*Technically Sleeping Beauty is the victim here and not the perpetrator. But whatever, I’m inconsistent. Deal with it.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym on Facebook makes you look like a tosser

Let me preface this post with a clarification so as not to gravely offend those people who may see their behaviours reflected in the following online conduct: you are not an unsurpassed tosser because of this. You are probably one due to your countless unsavoury personality traits and the myriad other disturbing activities you engage in – wanky Facebook check-ins just being one of many. Phew. Glad I cleared that up. Could have gotten awkward. #SavedIt.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I’m going to give it to you straight. Just stop. Never check in to these places again unless you want me to stab your eyes out with a blunt 2B pencil. Or something less dramatic. Honestly, I’ll probably just mentally visualise a fist being shaken at your general direction. Being lazily passive-aggressive is so hot right now.

gym facebook check in

THE GYM

Come on – we get it! You’re busting your arse on the treadmill in a quest to develop a stomach flatter than a steamrolled pancake (if you’re female) or, if you’re a guy, abs more beefed-up than the strippers from Magic Mike if they were on steroids. But do 378 of your nearest and dearest really need to be informed each time you step inside a sweat-infested hell hole – or as I like to call it, the place where personal hygiene comes to die?

THE CINEMA

Unless it’s the premiere of The Great Gatsby and you just met Leo DiCaprio in person – and totally acted cool and not like you’d hump his leg if given the chance – then it’s doubtful your choice of entertainment for the night interests anybody. Maybe the director of the movie cares (or at least cares about the amount of dosh you just spent on tickets to see their film). Everyone else? Not so much.

facebook check in

AIRPORTS

This one is forgivable if (a) you’re going somewhere cool (b) you never travel anywhere or (c) your flight is not for ages and you’re sitting at the airport bar more bored than five-year-old at a tax office. But if you’re just doing the regular ol’ Sydney-to-Melbourne (and return) flight you do every month for business, then I wouldn’t even bother.

MORE THAN ONE BAR IN A NIGHT

All this bouncing about to different watering holes in the space of one night is giving me a headache. Also, are you aware that now that your whereabouts have digitally been made common knowledge, that person whose call you never returned/employee you fired/annoying in-law/circus clown that creeped you out in primary school but for some inexplicable reason added you on Facebook can stalk you under the guise of ‘I just happened to be in the neighbourhood’?

wedding facebook status

YOUR WEDDING

I am a self-confessed major social-media addict but – call me crazy – I still think there are places and occasions that maybe the internet shouldn’t be allowed to infiltrate. Your wedding is a big one. And I’m sure you can wait until after the honeymoon before changing your relationship status. As opposed to while walking down the aisle while juggling a bouquet in one hand and a pair of pliers in the other (for that moment you might want to go all Runaway Bride and need the tools to help you bust out through a bathroom window – obviously). Other events that probably don’t require you to check in while you’re physically there include: funerals, job interviews, the reading of your grandmother’s will, court appearances  and bank robberies (only if you’re the perpetrator in that last one – if you’re in a hostage sitch, by all means check in and help the local cop out with your whereabouts).

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note

Sometimes in life, your heart will be shattered by a person who I’m sure is lovely in most aspects of their life but for the purpose of this sentence sucks more than vacuum cleaner. We’ve all been there. (Except me of course – my heart is harder than Stonehenge after someone poured 500 litres of concrete on top and let it set. Plus I have no soul, so there’s that.) And what better way to deal with an imploding love life than by taking a look at some memorable on-screen break-ups? Because if movies and television teach us anything, it’s that we’re all freaking retarded when it comes to matters such as love. SPOILER ALERT: THEY ALL BREAK UP.

THE NOTEBOOK

The number of times I have heard people say they wish they could date a guy like Noah in The Notebook is ridiculous. I think their senses may have been impaired due to Ryan Gosling’s blindness-inducing attractiveness, because after he finishes it with the love of his life, THE GUY IN THIS MOVIE BECOMES A TOTAL STALKER. Allie didn’t come back because Noah restored the house where she almost lost her V-plates to him. Or because he wrote her 365 letters in a year. Or because he spent years pining over her after they separated – that’s all straight out of the USA’s newly instated 51st state: Territory of Crazy Town.  She came back because this is fiction. And because he looks like Ryan Gosling. That’s it. In reality, a guy who does those things is the same type of guy who has converted his basement to a dungeon and secretly plucks out one of your eyelashes so he can keep it in a jar next to his bed when you’re not around – creepy.

the notebook ryan gosling rachel mcadams

SEX AND THE CITY

You think ending things with someone via a text message or email is harsh? Try waking up to a post-it note doing the deed. Well, that’s exactly what happens to Carrie Bradshaw when one of her beaus hits the brakes on their relationship by putting pen to everyone’s favourite gloriously sticky yellow notepad.  Damn, man, that’s cold. Ice cold. Like ice-cube-in-an-ice-bar-in-Antarctica-when-someone’s-left-the-door-open-and-a-draught-is-let-in level of cold. Also, isn’t this guy supposed to be a writer? I mean, he could have come up with something better than “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” Use your words dude!

sex and the city post it note

At least it’s succinct

TITANIC

Ok, Cal, you may have a valid reason to be upset – your girlfriend is making steamy handprints inside cars with the very sexy Jack Dawson while you’re busy doing rich people stuff. Like excessively slicking back your hair. Worse still, Jack’s poor (eww).  If you weren’t fired up enough already, he even had the audacity to draw Rose naked while she was wearing the super-expensive blue diamond necklace you gave her. Awkward. But dealing with it by trying to shoot her (and her new lover) as the ship you’re all in plunges hopelessly into the freezing Atlantic Ocean? I’m no relationship expert, but I think there’s no coming back from that one.

titanic billy zane shooting scene

And cue crazy break-up face!

THE NEW GIRL

This isn’t the first time someone’s been sans clothing during the precise moment their on-screen relationship falls apart – for example, anyone remember Jason Segal being dumped in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Which begs the question: is this a thing now? I can’t recall any of my friends ever wailing “We just broke up! And I was naaaaaaaaaaked! Oh God – THE HUMANITY!” Well, sure, I’m usually mentally humming the score to Grease when friends tell me their problems as I attempt to tune out their words. But I’m sure I would have snapped back to reality when I heard nudity was involved. Right? But the point is, walking in to see your boyfriend with another woman sucks to begin with, but when you’re naked at the time that suckiness increases at least tenfold.

new girl jess break up

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Ah, the break-up that spawned a revolution. As soon as the words “we should just be friends” were uttered to a baby-faced Mark Zuckerberg during his studies at Harvard, it set in motion plans for what would ultimately become the greatest stalking and time-sucking medium the world has ever seen. And it all began because some girl thought he was a bit of a dick. True, Zuckerberg most likely is an arsehole. But he’s an arsehole who created a social media network that we’re more reliant on than a heroin junkie is on their drug dealer. And he’s now worth a fuckload of money.  There’s gotta be some sense of justice in that result (even if the world’s population still hates him). Unfortunately, most of us won’t be able to make it rain after we’re dumped. Unless the ‘rain’ consists of tears and spilt vodka. Shit.

the social network break up scenefacebook mark zuckerberg

“You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an arsehole.”

So basically, scripted break-ups go down way more smoothly and occasionally in a more poetic fashion than the real thing. Who knew?  Usually, the next best thing to closure you’re going to get in reality is crying into a cheeseburger at McDonalds while a homeless man (not played by Ryan Gosling) stares at your chest. And that’s ok.  Because you’ve got a cheeseburger and they are nothing if not delicious.

mcdonalds cheeseburger

Om nom nom. I repeat: Nom.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea!

Being a grown up can suck. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were teenagers pondering the big issues i.e. how long to let a text message from that boy you like marinate in your inbox before replying. For the record, if you have a similar dilemma, the correct answer is to always reply instantly. And sign off with your full name but substitute your actual last name with his. Then tell him about your plans to buy a puppy so that the two of you can have a “practice-baby” until you’re ready to start trying for the real thing at a more appropriate time. Like next week. Then check in every 37 minutes just to see how he’s doing. Don’t forget to insert the words “love muffin”, “destiny” and “Who’s that whore you bought coffee from this morning and never spoke to again? I’m going to kill that bitch” into as many texts as possible. He’ll love it. Guaranteed.

immature never grow up

Technically, there’s no rule to say you MUST grow up

But then something weird occurred. Almost overnight (wait, what? High school was six years ago? When did that happen?) I became bombarded with boring-but-necessary tasks that can be filed away under “responsibilities,” “obligations” and “trying not die from starvation because my parents don’t buy my groceries anymore”.  And while the increased freedom and all the other benefits that come with being an adult are a welcome addition, it can occasionally be a bitter pill to swallow that I actually have to, you know, like, do stuff.

Luckily – because I am a genius – I had an epiphany. What if you could transform activities that are typically mundane and tedious into something slightly more enjoyable?

Not possible, right? But, wait. Hold up for a second and you’ll realise that the opportunities to do this are infinite.

EXAMPLE 1: ASKING FOR A RAISE

MORE MONEY! Because you’re worth it. And even if you’re not, you should never let complete and utter incompetency prevent you from getting something you don’t deserve. Now you could set up a meeting with your boss, or whoever is in charge of salary reviews, and calmly list your strongest attributes, your contribution to the team and the increased responsibilities you’ve taken on since you accepted the role. Then, based mostly on this, you could convince the decision-makers to shower you with more dollars every pay day.

OR you could go with the more fun way and ask your boss on a day when he or she is likely feeling the most festive – their birthday! Via a birthday card.  Bonus points if you use one of those cards from Typo that have “Happy birthday, wanker” or “Happy birthday, dickhead” on the front.

Unfortunately, my boss just celebrated his bday recently so I’ll have to wait almost a year to test out this theory but come 2014 I expect there to be a giant increase in my pay packet for sure.

birthday card payrise

And then I’ll use a Christmas card to ask for a free car!

EXAMPLE 2: PAYING BILLS

Electricity. Rent.  Internet. VIP membership to Justin Beiber’s fan club. My bank balance is leaking money like the Titanic leaking water after it thought it could win a punch-up with an iceberg. I could just suck it up, realise that everyone has bills to pay and transfer my cashola over to the vultures and be done with it. But why would I do that when, alternatively, I could give these transactions hilarious and inaccurate descriptions?  “Electricity bill payment”? Nope. That’s now “drug money”. I’m moving to a new place and need to pay an exorbitant amount for my share of the bond?  Well, looks like that’s just been labelled “ cash for sex”.

My housemate Kerryn is the one that has to deal with these payment descriptions polluting her bank statements. What makes this fact extra awesome is that the bank she most often frequents for her important banking business is in Kings Cross. I’m betting it’s about 94 percent likely the tellers assume she’s a hooker and/or drug dealer. Best!

drug money bank statement

Just a regular ol’ transaction… MADE AWESOME!

EXAMPLE 3: TALKING ABOUT SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP MILESTONES SUCH AS MARRIAGE

Let’s not even pretend I’m anywhere remotely near talking about this in my own trainwreck of a love life. That’s a problem for Future Erin. But since we’re all crawling further along life’s timeline, it is inevitable that, eventually, you or someone close to you will contemplate having children, getting married, or undertaking the most serious life decision of all – switching to low-fat mayonnaise.  When they come to you seeking advice, it is imperative that you have the most suitable reaction stored up your sleeve. The ideal response will be dripping with sarcasm and neglectful of your friend’s most important issues in their time of need. If you want guidance, there is a model answer below.

marriage talk wedding

My wise wedding advice: just call me Yoda.

So in conclusion: fight monotony, be immature until you die (or are arrested) and eat lots of pizza.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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