Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games

I know what just shot straight to the forefront of your mind after reading that sentence. Three beautiful words.

Goon. Of. Fortune.

Australia’s greatest invention: Goon of Fortune

With that nugget of alcohol-ingesting brilliance, what more could we possibly need, you ask? Well, riddle me this: did Ian Thorpe win one gold medal at his first Olympics then hang up his insanely large flippers and not bother swimming in any more races? Did the Beatles record Love Me Do then say “Ah, screw it – let them just play that on repeat for the next 50 years”? And did Mr Squiggle use his talented pencil nose to create works of art which paralleled Picasso on the scale of excellence – in a hostile work environment, mind you (grumpy blackboard, anyone?) –  just once? Or did this master of drawing continually bring his shit to the proverbial table time and time again?

I think we all know the answer.

Which brings us to one undeniable conclusion. We, collectively as a nation, owe it to the Commonwealth of Australia and to THE CONSTITUTION to lift our game exponentially. We need to take it upon ourselves to adhere more closely to the governing foundation that keeps this country functioning effectively – our excessive love of booze and drinking.

Therefore, I propose we need to develop a few Aussie drinking games that pay tribute to the most beloved aspects of our culture. I’ll start the ball rolling with a few suggestions. You’re welcome!

WOM-SHOTS

I have a Canadian friend who I met on the rooftop of a hostel in London when I was just 19. Let’s call him Kyle. Because that is his name. He recently asked me if Australia has any cool drinking games. In the spirit of drop bears or otherwise inventing scenarios solely to fool unsuspecting, gullible foreigners for amusement purposes, I told him about the “massively popular” drinking game called “wom-shots”. Basically, this edging-towards-sadistic-but-not-quite-there-yet game involves chasing wombats and after catching one, lining up a row of a shots along its back. Then, the aim is to down as many of them as possible with your hands tied behind your back before the wombat waddles away (or whatever wombats do) leaving behind a trail of spilt tequila in the bush.*

He believed me. He also denies ever believing me. What a noob. **

*Please note the RSPCA may or may not particularly approve of this game.
**Just kidding Kyle, you’re alright. Even with the lame ‘being Canadian’ thing you’ve got going on.

Was I tasteful? Your call Kyle, your call.

EXTREME JELLY SHOTS

Continuing the Aussie-wildlife theme, this game necessitates a small amount of preparation. You will need to make a batch of jelly shots beforehand. Once they are ready, find a friendly echidna that is just kicking about, preferably one with a copious number of spikes. Carefully place as many jelly shots as you have on its spikes, then consume said jelly shots at will. Beware of sharp points.

Note: please only attempt if you are a Super Cool Rockstar. Like Dave Grohl. The D-Man could handle this. You could not.

PASH AND POP (SOME PASSION POP)

In this highly sophisticated game, people will open a bottle of Passion Pop (“pop” it open, if you will) then drunkenly make out with the closest attractive, equally belligerent person – hence the “pash” part. Ok, so maybe this sort of thing has been going on since teenagers discovered alcohol is pretty much liquid gold and it isn’t technically a game per se – but now there’s a totally punny name to refer to it by!  Bitches love puns. And, clearly, Passion Pop is one of the most important Australian cultural icons so it snugly fits that part of the criteria. Even if its price has risen slightly since I was 16. Seriously, if it doesn’t cost $3, you might as well buy a bottle of Moët, bust out your monocle and pearl necklace and be done with it.

Monocles: making trashy people sort-of classy since ye olde days

UPDATE!! KYLE REACTS!!!

Canadian Kyle read the post and informed me of his thoughts thusly:

I get called a devil woman at least twice weekly – but this is new!

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.

I don’t feel like that statement even needs qualifying. Some ideas are just so unquestionably accurate that once pointed out, their truth becomes so obvious that it’s basically like the time that everyone realised Paris Hilton wasn’t actually famous for anything and consequently stopped paying attention to her.

Paris Hilton: the Kim Kardashian of 2004

But if you’re still in as much denial as a 14^th century map designer – or cartographer, if you want to get fancy – here are the main reasons why the humble tumbleweed trumps your BF in cool stakes:

1. Everyone knows a guest appearance on The Simpsons is the ULTIMATE form of cultural capital. And the tumbleweed has rocked up on-screen on multiple occasions. So, unless you’re bed-buddies with Michael Jackson, Martha Stewart, a member of N*SYNC, or even more impressively, Sideshow Bob (which, let’s be honest, I’m not awesome enough to be friends with anyone that’s dating someone with a head of hair that magnificent) then a tumbleweed clearly has more swag. Plus, I dare anyone to watch this clip repeatedly and not laugh Every Single Time.

A clip from a little-known show you may have heard of, it’s called The Simpsons

2. Tumbleweeds would make the perfect companions. If they were to magically transform – Frosty-the-Snowman style – into an actual human being, imagine the personality traits they would take with them! Considering their most famous characteristic is just rolling about in the middle of nowhere like they don’t give a fuck, it’d be feasible to assume Mr Human Tumbleweed would be a pretty laidback kinda guy – he’d just roll with it. Meaning minimal couple spats. Sorted.

Just add glasses

3. They bring the Lolz. Tumbleweeds are hilarious. Without even trying. In comedian terms, a tumbleweed is like the complete opposite of Jim Carrey’s OTT demeanour in, well, everything he’s ever done except The Number 23. An undisputed fact of life is that the addition of a tumbleweed makes everything approximately 78 percent funnier. I bet it’s even part of a secret formula that gets delivered to writers of successful sitcoms inside their Hilarious Jokes Bible. Conclusion: understated comedy? Gold. And your boyfriend probably tells knock-knock jokes.

How could you not love this little guy?!

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit.

Let me paint this picture for you. You know that one day a year you look forward to the most? If you’re under the age of 12, that day’s probably Christmas, with Easter and its associated family-endorsed mass-inhaling of chocolate placing a close second. Meanwhile, if you’re a narcissistic arsehole, your favourite day is more likely your birthday while for fans of forced romance and overpriced rose petals, Valentine’s Day is the pick of the bunch.

Well, for me, the sex-for-your-ears music festival, Soundwave, is the day that metaphorically rips the arteries from the bodies of all other days, reengineers this vital organ into guitar strings then rocks the shit out of the joint by playing this disgustingly graphic – and probably ineffective – instrument, before relentlessly mocking every other date on the calendar that just couldn’t make the cut.

Too much? Fair call.

I wore a white shirt to Soundwave with my awesome friend Cat. It later rained. That was unfortunate.

Anyway, while Soundwave is the epitome of musical bliss in my mind, the surrounding days – and their epic sideshows – are also pretty cool. Among those I went to, the Billy Talent and Sum 41 gig was one I was particularly keen for.

Instagramming tickets: almost as cool as taking a pic of my breakfast

However, apparently these super-mellow things called ‘mosh pits’ are COMPLETELY FRAUGHT WITH IPHONE-THREATENING DANGER. Somewhere between Billy Talent’s energetic rendition of Running Across the Tracks and Sum 41 skilfully busting out the classics despite Deryck Whibley’s unfortunate Ronald McDonald-like hair, my phone went MIA. Cue disaster. Sadly, I never managed to find it. And somehow, with the number of potential screen-smashing limbs in attendance at this gig, I’m feeling like the outlook is grim.

On the plus side, I made it to the front row. Right up against the barrier. If I was that way inclined, I totally could have licked it. (Side note: I did not lick the barrier. That would be weird.)

I can’t prove my view was closer than this because I had no phone but let’s all just agree that it was

In order to make myself feel much better about losing such a treasured possession, I’ve compiled a list of five other places that almost rival a mosh pit as the worst place to lose or drop your phone.

1. THE GAP BETWEEN THE TRAIN AND THE STATION PLATFORM

Don’t lie – you’ve pictured it haven’t you? Dropping anything here would be so ridiculously frustrating – not least because you’d probably still be able to see it, but any attempt to reach it could result in a rapid – and unqualified – amputation of your arm due the whole ‘moving trains’ business.

2. IN A GLASS CONTAINING VODKA AND ORANGE JUICE (OR ANY OTHER LESS SPECIFIC LIQUID) 

I can neither confirm nor deny that this has happened to me in the past. Look, all I’ll say is that historically, I haven’t had the best luck with phones. But, I mean, some of the buttons still worked – you just couldn’t use vowels when texting and sometimes you couldn’t press the button to end calls. Apart from that it was all good. I swear!

3. A GIANT HANDBAG

Laaaadies – you understand what I’m talking about. Scrounging around a handbag trying to find a ringing phone before the call ends could possibly be one of the most annoying things on the planet. Except maybe Will Ferrell. He’s pretty irritating. But at least your phone will only be lost temporarily here. So that’s a win.

4. BURIED IN A SANDPIT 

I’m not sure what you’re doing in a sandpit when there’s plenty of perfectly good beaches to play on, but whatever you do, do not lose your phone here. I’m still reeling over the time I buried my Bambi toy in the primary school sandpit when I was six years old and it was gone forever. I still get cold chills at night thinking about that incident. Not cool.

5. THE MOUTH OF A SHARK AND/OR CROCODILE

Granted, unless you’re trying to emulate Steve Irwin it’s doubtful this scenario is likely to occur. Still, there’s no denying that this would be a pretty sucky place to drop a phone. So. Many. Sharp. Teeth.

End result

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.