Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.

I don’t feel like that statement even needs qualifying. Some ideas are just so unquestionably accurate that once pointed out, their truth becomes so obvious that it’s basically like the time that everyone realised Paris Hilton wasn’t actually famous for anything and consequently stopped paying attention to her.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton: the Kim Kardashian of 2004

But if you’re still in as much denial as a 14th century map designer – or cartographer, if you want to get fancy – here are the main reasons why the humble tumbleweed trumps your BF in cool stakes:

1. Everyone knows a guest appearance on The Simpsons is the ULTIMATE form of cultural capital. And the tumbleweed has rocked up on-screen on multiple occasions. So, unless you’re bed-buddies with Michael Jackson, Martha Stewart, a member of N*SYNC, or even more impressively, Sideshow Bob (which, let’s be honest, I’m not awesome enough to be friends with anyone that’s dating someone with a head of hair that magnificent) then a tumbleweed clearly has more swag. Plus, I dare anyone to watch this clip repeatedly and not laugh Every Single Time.

A clip from a little-known show you may have heard of, it’s called The Simpsons

2. Tumbleweeds would make the perfect companions. If they were to magically transform – Frosty-the-Snowman style – into an actual human being, imagine the personality traits they would take with them! Considering their most famous characteristic is just rolling about in the middle of nowhere like they don’t give a fuck, it’d be feasible to assume Mr Human Tumbleweed would be a pretty laidback kinda guy – he’d just roll with it. Meaning minimal couple spats. Sorted.

tumbleweed snowman

Just add glasses

3. They bring the Lolz. Tumbleweeds are hilarious. Without even trying. In comedian terms, a tumbleweed is like the complete opposite of Jim Carrey’s OTT demeanour in, well, everything he’s ever done except The Number 23. An undisputed fact of life is that the addition of a tumbleweed makes everything approximately 78 percent funnier. I bet it’s even part of a secret formula that gets delivered to writers of successful sitcoms inside their Hilarious Jokes Bible. Conclusion: understated comedy? Gold. And your boyfriend probably tells knock-knock jokes.

tumbleweed

How could you not love this little guy?!

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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