Being a grown up can suck. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were teenagers pondering the big issues i.e. how long to let a text message from that boy you like marinate in your inbox before replying. For the record, if you have a similar dilemma, the correct answer is to always reply instantly. And sign off with your full name but substitute your actual last name with his. Then tell him about your plans to buy a puppy so that the two of you can have a “practice-baby” until you’re ready to start trying for the real thing at a more appropriate time. Like next week. Then check in every 37 minutes just to see how he’s doing. Don’t forget to insert the words “love muffin”, “destiny” and “Who’s that whore you bought coffee from this morning and never spoke to again? I’m going to kill that bitch” into as many texts as possible. He’ll love it. Guaranteed.
But then something weird occurred. Almost overnight (wait, what? High school was six years ago? When did that happen?) I became bombarded with boring-but-necessary tasks that can be filed away under “responsibilities,” “obligations” and “trying not die from starvation because my parents don’t buy my groceries anymore”. And while the increased freedom and all the other benefits that come with being an adult are a welcome addition, it can occasionally be a bitter pill to swallow that I actually have to, you know, like, do stuff.
Luckily – because I am a genius – I had an epiphany. What if you could transform activities that are typically mundane and tedious into something slightly more enjoyable?
Not possible, right? But, wait. Hold up for a second and you’ll realise that the opportunities to do this are infinite.
EXAMPLE 1: ASKING FOR A RAISE
MORE MONEY! Because you’re worth it. And even if you’re not, you should never let complete and utter incompetency prevent you from getting something you don’t deserve. Now you could set up a meeting with your boss, or whoever is in charge of salary reviews, and calmly list your strongest attributes, your contribution to the team and the increased responsibilities you’ve taken on since you accepted the role. Then, based mostly on this, you could convince the decision-makers to shower you with more dollars every pay day.
OR you could go with the more fun way and ask your boss on a day when he or she is likely feeling the most festive – their birthday! Via a birthday card. Bonus points if you use one of those cards from Typo that have “Happy birthday, wanker” or “Happy birthday, dickhead” on the front.
Unfortunately, my boss just celebrated his bday recently so I’ll have to wait almost a year to test out this theory but come 2014 I expect there to be a giant increase in my pay packet for sure.
EXAMPLE 2: PAYING BILLS
Electricity. Rent. Internet. VIP membership to Justin Beiber’s fan club. My bank balance is leaking money like the Titanic leaking water after it thought it could win a punch-up with an iceberg. I could just suck it up, realise that everyone has bills to pay and transfer my cashola over to the vultures and be done with it. But why would I do that when, alternatively, I could give these transactions hilarious and inaccurate descriptions? “Electricity bill payment”? Nope. That’s now “drug money”. I’m moving to a new place and need to pay an exorbitant amount for my share of the bond? Well, looks like that’s just been labelled “ cash for sex”.
My housemate Kerryn is the one that has to deal with these payment descriptions polluting her bank statements. What makes this fact extra awesome is that the bank she most often frequents for her important banking business is in Kings Cross. I’m betting it’s about 94 percent likely the tellers assume she’s a hooker and/or drug dealer. Best!
EXAMPLE 3: TALKING ABOUT SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP MILESTONES SUCH AS MARRIAGE
Let’s not even pretend I’m anywhere remotely near talking about this in my own trainwreck of a love life. That’s a problem for Future Erin. But since we’re all crawling further along life’s timeline, it is inevitable that, eventually, you or someone close to you will contemplate having children, getting married, or undertaking the most serious life decision of all – switching to low-fat mayonnaise. When they come to you seeking advice, it is imperative that you have the most suitable reaction stored up your sleeve. The ideal response will be dripping with sarcasm and neglectful of your friend’s most important issues in their time of need. If you want guidance, there is a model answer below.
So in conclusion: fight monotony, be immature until you die (or are arrested) and eat lots of pizza.
Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.