Monthly Archives: June 2013

Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym on Facebook makes you look like a tosser

Let me preface this post with a clarification so as not to gravely offend those people who may see their behaviours reflected in the following online conduct: you are not an unsurpassed tosser because of this. You are probably one due to your countless unsavoury personality traits and the myriad other disturbing activities you engage in – wanky Facebook check-ins just being one of many. Phew. Glad I cleared that up. Could have gotten awkward. #SavedIt.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I’m going to give it to you straight. Just stop. Never check in to these places again unless you want me to stab your eyes out with a blunt 2B pencil. Or something less dramatic. Honestly, I’ll probably just mentally visualise a fist being shaken at your general direction. Being lazily passive-aggressive is so hot right now.

gym facebook check in

THE GYM

Come on – we get it! You’re busting your arse on the treadmill in a quest to develop a stomach flatter than a steamrolled pancake (if you’re female) or, if you’re a guy, abs more beefed-up than the strippers from Magic Mike if they were on steroids. But do 378 of your nearest and dearest really need to be informed each time you step inside a sweat-infested hell hole – or as I like to call it, the place where personal hygiene comes to die?

THE CINEMA

Unless it’s the premiere of The Great Gatsby and you just met Leo DiCaprio in person – and totally acted cool and not like you’d hump his leg if given the chance – then it’s doubtful your choice of entertainment for the night interests anybody. Maybe the director of the movie cares (or at least cares about the amount of dosh you just spent on tickets to see their film). Everyone else? Not so much.

facebook check in

AIRPORTS

This one is forgivable if (a) you’re going somewhere cool (b) you never travel anywhere or (c) your flight is not for ages and you’re sitting at the airport bar more bored than five-year-old at a tax office. But if you’re just doing the regular ol’ Sydney-to-Melbourne (and return) flight you do every month for business, then I wouldn’t even bother.

MORE THAN ONE BAR IN A NIGHT

All this bouncing about to different watering holes in the space of one night is giving me a headache. Also, are you aware that now that your whereabouts have digitally been made common knowledge, that person whose call you never returned/employee you fired/annoying in-law/circus clown that creeped you out in primary school but for some inexplicable reason added you on Facebook can stalk you under the guise of ‘I just happened to be in the neighbourhood’?

wedding facebook status

YOUR WEDDING

I am a self-confessed major social-media addict but – call me crazy – I still think there are places and occasions that maybe the internet shouldn’t be allowed to infiltrate. Your wedding is a big one. And I’m sure you can wait until after the honeymoon before changing your relationship status. As opposed to while walking down the aisle while juggling a bouquet in one hand and a pair of pliers in the other (for that moment you might want to go all Runaway Bride and need the tools to help you bust out through a bathroom window – obviously). Other events that probably don’t require you to check in while you’re physically there include: funerals, job interviews, the reading of your grandmother’s will, court appearances  and bank robberies (only if you’re the perpetrator in that last one – if you’re in a hostage sitch, by all means check in and help the local cop out with your whereabouts).

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note

Sometimes in life, your heart will be shattered by a person who I’m sure is lovely in most aspects of their life but for the purpose of this sentence sucks more than vacuum cleaner. We’ve all been there. (Except me of course – my heart is harder than Stonehenge after someone poured 500 litres of concrete on top and let it set. Plus I have no soul, so there’s that.) And what better way to deal with an imploding love life than by taking a look at some memorable on-screen break-ups? Because if movies and television teach us anything, it’s that we’re all freaking retarded when it comes to matters such as love. SPOILER ALERT: THEY ALL BREAK UP.

THE NOTEBOOK

The number of times I have heard people say they wish they could date a guy like Noah in The Notebook is ridiculous. I think their senses may have been impaired due to Ryan Gosling’s blindness-inducing attractiveness, because after he finishes it with the love of his life, THE GUY IN THIS MOVIE BECOMES A TOTAL STALKER. Allie didn’t come back because Noah restored the house where she almost lost her V-plates to him. Or because he wrote her 365 letters in a year. Or because he spent years pining over her after they separated – that’s all straight out of the USA’s newly instated 51st state: Territory of Crazy Town.  She came back because this is fiction. And because he looks like Ryan Gosling. That’s it. In reality, a guy who does those things is the same type of guy who has converted his basement to a dungeon and secretly plucks out one of your eyelashes so he can keep it in a jar next to his bed when you’re not around – creepy.

the notebook ryan gosling rachel mcadams

SEX AND THE CITY

You think ending things with someone via a text message or email is harsh? Try waking up to a post-it note doing the deed. Well, that’s exactly what happens to Carrie Bradshaw when one of her beaus hits the brakes on their relationship by putting pen to everyone’s favourite gloriously sticky yellow notepad.  Damn, man, that’s cold. Ice cold. Like ice-cube-in-an-ice-bar-in-Antarctica-when-someone’s-left-the-door-open-and-a-draught-is-let-in level of cold. Also, isn’t this guy supposed to be a writer? I mean, he could have come up with something better than “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” Use your words dude!

sex and the city post it note

At least it’s succinct

TITANIC

Ok, Cal, you may have a valid reason to be upset – your girlfriend is making steamy handprints inside cars with the very sexy Jack Dawson while you’re busy doing rich people stuff. Like excessively slicking back your hair. Worse still, Jack’s poor (eww).  If you weren’t fired up enough already, he even had the audacity to draw Rose naked while she was wearing the super-expensive blue diamond necklace you gave her. Awkward. But dealing with it by trying to shoot her (and her new lover) as the ship you’re all in plunges hopelessly into the freezing Atlantic Ocean? I’m no relationship expert, but I think there’s no coming back from that one.

titanic billy zane shooting scene

And cue crazy break-up face!

THE NEW GIRL

This isn’t the first time someone’s been sans clothing during the precise moment their on-screen relationship falls apart – for example, anyone remember Jason Segal being dumped in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Which begs the question: is this a thing now? I can’t recall any of my friends ever wailing “We just broke up! And I was naaaaaaaaaaked! Oh God – THE HUMANITY!” Well, sure, I’m usually mentally humming the score to Grease when friends tell me their problems as I attempt to tune out their words. But I’m sure I would have snapped back to reality when I heard nudity was involved. Right? But the point is, walking in to see your boyfriend with another woman sucks to begin with, but when you’re naked at the time that suckiness increases at least tenfold.

new girl jess break up

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Ah, the break-up that spawned a revolution. As soon as the words “we should just be friends” were uttered to a baby-faced Mark Zuckerberg during his studies at Harvard, it set in motion plans for what would ultimately become the greatest stalking and time-sucking medium the world has ever seen. And it all began because some girl thought he was a bit of a dick. True, Zuckerberg most likely is an arsehole. But he’s an arsehole who created a social media network that we’re more reliant on than a heroin junkie is on their drug dealer. And he’s now worth a fuckload of money.  There’s gotta be some sense of justice in that result (even if the world’s population still hates him). Unfortunately, most of us won’t be able to make it rain after we’re dumped. Unless the ‘rain’ consists of tears and spilt vodka. Shit.

the social network break up scenefacebook mark zuckerberg

“You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an arsehole.”

So basically, scripted break-ups go down way more smoothly and occasionally in a more poetic fashion than the real thing. Who knew?  Usually, the next best thing to closure you’re going to get in reality is crying into a cheeseburger at McDonalds while a homeless man (not played by Ryan Gosling) stares at your chest. And that’s ok.  Because you’ve got a cheeseburger and they are nothing if not delicious.

mcdonalds cheeseburger

Om nom nom. I repeat: Nom.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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