Fictional children’s characters. They’re super sweet and nothing but good, clean, wholesome fun. Right?
No way – scratch the surface and it’s apparent that many of our favourite children’s heroes are actually just a front for a world teeming with hedonism, criminal activities and downright immoral behaviour. Here’s a little taste of some of the most disturbing perpetrators as well as the crimes they commit.
Mary Poppins. Crime: Drug using
Don’t let the whole ‘being responsible for wayward children with daddy issues’ thing fool you. This is a woman who gets ‘high’ – literally high enough to reach the ceiling in fact – then satisfies her munchies by having a tea party on said ceiling. Not convinced she’s stoned? Think about it: there’s way too much laughter in that room for any of it to have been induced naturally. And all of this with a couple of kids in tow? What a badass.
Prince Charming. Crime: Bigamy
Two words: man whore. Among the extensive list of princesses he has seduced are Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. And those are only the women with enough swag to have fairytales written about them. There’s probably a pumpkin-carriage out there somewhere overflowing with
groupies peasant women who he also bedded. Plus, correct me if I’m wrong, but I can’t recall any fairytales ending with “And then they lived happily ever after… until their divorce three months later when every moment they breathed, they were in a living hell”. So I’m guessing he’s still married to them all. Which is a little bit illegal. And by a “litte bit”, I mean “definitely”.
Sleeping Beauty* Crime: Sexual Assault.
So this chick falls asleep in a dodgy, isolated area of the woods. (Or more likely, is in a coma, because let’s be honest, unless she’s had one hell of a night on the turps I don’t think she’d realistically manage to stay passed out for 100 years. More like 80 years. Max.) Nekminnit some sleazy princes stumbles along and makes out with her while she’s still unconscious and everybody is totally cool with it. Awesome. Can’t wait ’til my knight in shining armour comes along and forcibly sticks his tongue down my throat. That’s true love for sure.
Tommy Pickles from Rugrats. Crime: Break and Enter
This tiny tyrant is a crafty criminal in the making. Covertly carrying around a screwdriver that he stashes in his nappy, Tommy can bust out of anything from his playpen to gates in backyards. His natural predisposition for breaking into and out of places in this manner is clearly foreshadowing his talents as a break-and-enter criminal mastermind later in life. Meanwhile, the adults in the rugrats’ lives don’t have a clue what these kids (or should I say, gang that may one day be more notorious than the Hell’s Angels) are up to. As if Tommy isn’t crawling around thinking, “I didn’t choose the smug life, the smug life chose me”.
Miss Piggy from the Muppets. Crime: Sexual Harassment
Miss Piggy spends the majority of her time chasing Kermit the Frog – who generally feels extremely uncomfortable when subjected to these unwanted advances. Yet, despite this, she continues. And that my friend, is called sexual harassment. Which is almost universally frowned upon. Except in certain suburbs of Sydney. But let’s not even open that can of worms.
*Technically Sleeping Beauty is the victim here and not the perpetrator. But whatever, I’m inconsistent. Deal with it.
Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.