Monthly Archives: January 2014

Lesson #739 Being good at Tetris increases your street cred.

tetris club


How many times were we told while growing up that we were wasting our lives playing video games?

Well, parents admit defeat because you were wrong. Those countless hours spent in front of TV and computer screens didn’t destroy our lives – not only because being a skilled player makes you SUPER FREAKING COOL (well, to the right crowd  at least), it also prepared us for much of life’s most common scenarios and pitfalls.


tetris eff shit up

One of life’s biggest challenges

We didn’t know it at the time, but Tetris was the game that was most useful in providing skills to help us navigate the challenging obstacles that inevitably appear in life. Need to stack every cup, plate, saucepan and spatula you’ve ever owned into the dishwasher before your mother pops over for an impromptu visit? Don’t worry, because of Tetris, you’ve got this. Or trying to fit all your food into your tiny designated shelf in the fridge/pantry that you share with your housemates? Tetris skills have you covered. Or maybe you’re moving house and can’t be bothered hiring a moving truck so instead you push everything you own  – including your ex-boyfriend’s hoodie that you “forgot” to return – into your car and hope for the best. I mean, it’s likely you’ll reverse into your letterbox on account of not being able to see behind because there’s too much crap in too small of a space. But in terms of fitting everything in? YOU HAVE BEEN PREPARING YOUR WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT. Let the glory of success sink in. Thank you for all you have done for me Tetris. I’ll never forget you.

Also, being good at Tetris ups your street cred considerably. I’m yet to meet anyone who isn’t suitably impressed by someone that is good at shoving virtual coloured blocks together and making them disappear. And they should rightfully be impressed. Because TALENT!


mario kart pie chart

Yep, pretty accurate.

Princess Peach. Yoshi. Toad. Bowser. The world’s most famous Italian plumbing trio (Mario, Luigi, Wario). All the main players, the A-list of the Nintendo world you could say, make an appearance in this fiercely competitive game. And what can we learn from participating in this hotly contested race? A) Screaming “DIE BITCH DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” to your younger sibling is a socially acceptable reaction to being forced into last place after she throws some tortoise shells at your character onscreen, slowing you down instantly, B) If you’re not first, you’re last and you must win Mario Kart whatever the cost.DO WHATEVER IT TAKES! and C) Most importantly: mushrooms = power boost. Mushrooms will always speed up any task you’re faced with. Never forget that.


Pacman psych

The perils of being Pacman are deep, man. DEEP!

What even the actual fuck is Pac Man? Is he a yellow, circle-shaped alien? Is he a pie-chart who has been fired from his job at an Excel spreadsheet for not correctly displaying the ratio of seeds planted versus tomatoes eventually harvested from Old MacDonald’s Farm? I just don’t even…

I do, however, like the fact that Pac Man kind of looks like a pie that has had a slice already eaten from him. I like pie. Pie is delicious.

But in addition to making me think of food, Pac Man furthers our life education by demonstrating that if you eat too many of those white pill-looking things, those weird blobby characters turn into weird blue blobby characters and then you feel the need to try to munch down on them until only their (oddly-mobile) eyes are left.  And no one wants that.  So that’s probably an ill-advised activity to undertake.


donkey kong bananas

This game used to drive me bananas! Boom, tish!

There are probably a lot of things we may have learnt from playing Donkey Kong, but let’s be honest here – they all pale in comparison to the fact that if it wasn’t for this game, we would have never been introduced to the phrase “It’s on like Donkey Kong!” Which is essentially the best phrase on the entire planet.  Hashtag enough said.


the sims baby bbq barbecue funny

Seems legit.

the sims baby burn on fire

Some people just want to watch the world/their baby burn

Who hasn’t wanted to play God at one point or another in their life? The Sims allows for this while simultaneously  teaching players that you need to balance all your various needs effectively (whether they be health, social, career, etc.) to be happy at life. Which would be useful if players actually stopped playing the game at some point and opted instead for the real-life version of this ‘simulating life’ game. You know, like actual life.

Other essential life lessons drawn from The Sims include discovering that: a short stint on the treadmill makes you super healthy, kissing someone heaps of times will result in a baby and when you take a shower, your body will morph into some kind of weird pixelated matter. Just as I suspected.

Oh, and if you don’t like someone in the real world? There’s nothing more satisfying than creating a doppleganger Sim, then placing them in a pool with no ladder until they drown or refusing to feed them ‘til they starve to death. Mwahahahaha. I mean, what? I don’t do that. *Cough.* *shifts eyes left to right uncomfortably*.

the sims tina fey 30 rock

My life summary.

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Lesson #342: Santa is kind of creepy and contradicts parental protection policies.


I don’t know about you guys, but growing up I had this little guy in my face on an alarmingly regular basis.

safety house

The happy yellow dude tasked with saving kids’ lives. No pressure.

A safety house kids! This is a safety house! If a stranger is following you, look for this sign, look for a safety house! If a stranger asks you to follow them, or get in their car, or gives you a lolly or EVEN LOOKS AT YOU then find a safety house; find a teacher, a friend, a parent, an adult you trust!


Who is a stranger? What do you do if a stranger approaches you? What if that stranger tells you he has a litter of puppies sleeping in a pile of lollies in the back of his van and you can cuddle each and every puppy while eating said lollies if you just come and get in the van? Get to a safety house! A SAFETY HOUSE!

Hey, I get it. This is a very real threat, kiddies get abducted, and parents are mega-freaked out about it to the point where they’ve trained their kids to not even accept a lolly from a guy handing out lolly samples in the supermarket (jks: no kid is that well trained). And parents are freaked out about vans, and men in vans and men in vans who look like this guy.

See! Nothing to worry about!

Yeah, I get it.

But the point at which I get a little bit critical about the whole process is when it comes to this guy.

happy santa cool santa christmas

This guy! Yay!

Yeah, you know this guy. He’s seen in shopping malls all over the joint, chatting casually to kids sitting on his lap about what unsolicited gifts he, and his team creepy midgets he keeps imprisoned as slave labour in ice cave gulags in the North Pole, can get these children purely out of the goodness of his heart and oh, that’s right, he chats to them about how he’s going to pop on into their houses to deliver these unsolicited gifts IN THE MIDDLE OF THE F***ING NIGHT.

What the hell, parents? You’re going to preach stranger danger to me, and then annually promote this guy breaking into the house in the middle of the night to leave gifts? You even leave food out to encourage this guy to break in! Which on an unrelated noted is obviously terrible for his health given his grave weight problem. But seriously, what is December, reward-the-dude-who-breaks-into-your-house-while-wearing-a-red-suit month? How can you endorse this guy when you tell me not to take lollies from Vincent down the road? Is it the fancy sleigh with bells and shit? Because Vincent told me his van is full of fairy floss.

Who is this guy? Have you actually MET Santa? Have you SEEN him? Have you actually sat down and had a good ole heart-to-heart about life and death and the spirit of giving, while quickly checking his criminal record and giving him a Working with Children check?

This guy could be anyone! ANYONE!

misfits nathan santa christmas

It could be this guy…

criminal santa christmas

or this guy

creepy santa christmas

Or worse, this guy!

Way to be super contradictory and inconsistent in your stranger danger policy, parents. I mean, isn’t a sleigh a kind of van? Aren’t reindeer (flying ones at that!) kind of like puppies? How come Santa gets a free pass to be a creeper, stalking through people’s houses at night like an overweight, red-clad ninja? Is it because he’s all jolly and shit, or is it because he leaves presents for everyone? You’re sell-outs, parents. SELL OUTS!

THIS IS SO CONFUSING PARENTS! How are kiddies supposed to know who to trust anymore! And don’t even get me started on the fact that allegedly there is a giant rabbit breaking into our houses annually to leave chocolate. What, giant animals and jolly men in red suits can’t be paedophiles?

You show me Santa’s criminal record and let me sit down and have a chat to the guy, and I’ll consider letting him pop into my house for an annual visit. Until then, the big man in red had better watch his back.

cat reindeer santa christmas

Not super relevant – just adorable