Lesson #342: Santa is kind of creepy and contradicts parental protection policies.


I don’t know about you guys, but growing up I had this little guy in my face on an alarmingly regular basis.

safety house

The happy yellow dude tasked with saving kids’ lives. No pressure.

A safety house kids! This is a safety house! If a stranger is following you, look for this sign, look for a safety house! If a stranger asks you to follow them, or get in their car, or gives you a lolly or EVEN LOOKS AT YOU then find a safety house; find a teacher, a friend, a parent, an adult you trust!


Who is a stranger? What do you do if a stranger approaches you? What if that stranger tells you he has a litter of puppies sleeping in a pile of lollies in the back of his van and you can cuddle each and every puppy while eating said lollies if you just come and get in the van? Get to a safety house! A SAFETY HOUSE!

Hey, I get it. This is a very real threat, kiddies get abducted, and parents are mega-freaked out about it to the point where they’ve trained their kids to not even accept a lolly from a guy handing out lolly samples in the supermarket (jks: no kid is that well trained). And parents are freaked out about vans, and men in vans and men in vans who look like this guy.

See! Nothing to worry about!

Yeah, I get it.

But the point at which I get a little bit critical about the whole process is when it comes to this guy.

happy santa cool santa christmas

This guy! Yay!

Yeah, you know this guy. He’s seen in shopping malls all over the joint, chatting casually to kids sitting on his lap about what unsolicited gifts he, and his team creepy midgets he keeps imprisoned as slave labour in ice cave gulags in the North Pole, can get these children purely out of the goodness of his heart and oh, that’s right, he chats to them about how he’s going to pop on into their houses to deliver these unsolicited gifts IN THE MIDDLE OF THE F***ING NIGHT.

What the hell, parents? You’re going to preach stranger danger to me, and then annually promote this guy breaking into the house in the middle of the night to leave gifts? You even leave food out to encourage this guy to break in! Which on an unrelated noted is obviously terrible for his health given his grave weight problem. But seriously, what is December, reward-the-dude-who-breaks-into-your-house-while-wearing-a-red-suit month? How can you endorse this guy when you tell me not to take lollies from Vincent down the road? Is it the fancy sleigh with bells and shit? Because Vincent told me his van is full of fairy floss.

Who is this guy? Have you actually MET Santa? Have you SEEN him? Have you actually sat down and had a good ole heart-to-heart about life and death and the spirit of giving, while quickly checking his criminal record and giving him a Working with Children check?

This guy could be anyone! ANYONE!

misfits nathan santa christmas

It could be this guy…

criminal santa christmas

or this guy

creepy santa christmas

Or worse, this guy!

Way to be super contradictory and inconsistent in your stranger danger policy, parents. I mean, isn’t a sleigh a kind of van? Aren’t reindeer (flying ones at that!) kind of like puppies? How come Santa gets a free pass to be a creeper, stalking through people’s houses at night like an overweight, red-clad ninja? Is it because he’s all jolly and shit, or is it because he leaves presents for everyone? You’re sell-outs, parents. SELL OUTS!

THIS IS SO CONFUSING PARENTS! How are kiddies supposed to know who to trust anymore! And don’t even get me started on the fact that allegedly there is a giant rabbit breaking into our houses annually to leave chocolate. What, giant animals and jolly men in red suits can’t be paedophiles?

You show me Santa’s criminal record and let me sit down and have a chat to the guy, and I’ll consider letting him pop into my house for an annual visit. Until then, the big man in red had better watch his back.

cat reindeer santa christmas

Not super relevant – just adorable


One thought on “Lesson #342: Santa is kind of creepy and contradicts parental protection policies.

  1. Lyn Southwell says:

    Mum of four twenty somethings now. I do not own a photo of any of my kids on Santa’s knee. No. 2 daughter was so scared of him when she was 2 that it made me wonder why I would cajole her not to listen to her own in built stranger danger. Why would any parent want to convince their child to sit on a stranger’s knee, tell him secrets & accept lollies from him? Nuts really.

    Then there is the lies told re; the arrival of presents under the tree…. I sacked Santa. I felt like a hypocrite. Why should he get all the credit anyway. Funnily enough my kids then chose to carry on the myth by choice… one present was wrapped under the tree from santa to each of us. Much better, honestly.

    Plus do bad kids ever miss out?

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