Category Archives: acceptable behaviour lessons

Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym on Facebook makes you look like a tosser

Let me preface this post with a clarification so as not to gravely offend those people who may see their behaviours reflected in the following online conduct: you are not an unsurpassed tosser because of this. You are probably one due to your countless unsavoury personality traits and the myriad other disturbing activities you engage in – wanky Facebook check-ins just being one of many. Phew. Glad I cleared that up. Could have gotten awkward. #SavedIt.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I’m going to give it to you straight. Just stop. Never check in to these places again unless you want me to stab your eyes out with a blunt 2B pencil. Or something less dramatic. Honestly, I’ll probably just mentally visualise a fist being shaken at your general direction. Being lazily passive-aggressive is so hot right now.

gym facebook check in

THE GYM

Come on – we get it! You’re busting your arse on the treadmill in a quest to develop a stomach flatter than a steamrolled pancake (if you’re female) or, if you’re a guy, abs more beefed-up than the strippers from Magic Mike if they were on steroids. But do 378 of your nearest and dearest really need to be informed each time you step inside a sweat-infested hell hole – or as I like to call it, the place where personal hygiene comes to die?

THE CINEMA

Unless it’s the premiere of The Great Gatsby and you just met Leo DiCaprio in person – and totally acted cool and not like you’d hump his leg if given the chance – then it’s doubtful your choice of entertainment for the night interests anybody. Maybe the director of the movie cares (or at least cares about the amount of dosh you just spent on tickets to see their film). Everyone else? Not so much.

facebook check in

AIRPORTS

This one is forgivable if (a) you’re going somewhere cool (b) you never travel anywhere or (c) your flight is not for ages and you’re sitting at the airport bar more bored than five-year-old at a tax office. But if you’re just doing the regular ol’ Sydney-to-Melbourne (and return) flight you do every month for business, then I wouldn’t even bother.

MORE THAN ONE BAR IN A NIGHT

All this bouncing about to different watering holes in the space of one night is giving me a headache. Also, are you aware that now that your whereabouts have digitally been made common knowledge, that person whose call you never returned/employee you fired/annoying in-law/circus clown that creeped you out in primary school but for some inexplicable reason added you on Facebook can stalk you under the guise of ‘I just happened to be in the neighbourhood’?

wedding facebook status

YOUR WEDDING

I am a self-confessed major social-media addict but – call me crazy – I still think there are places and occasions that maybe the internet shouldn’t be allowed to infiltrate. Your wedding is a big one. And I’m sure you can wait until after the honeymoon before changing your relationship status. As opposed to while walking down the aisle while juggling a bouquet in one hand and a pair of pliers in the other (for that moment you might want to go all Runaway Bride and need the tools to help you bust out through a bathroom window – obviously). Other events that probably don’t require you to check in while you’re physically there include: funerals, job interviews, the reading of your grandmother’s will, court appearances  and bank robberies (only if you’re the perpetrator in that last one – if you’re in a hostage sitch, by all means check in and help the local cop out with your whereabouts).

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note

Sometimes in life, your heart will be shattered by a person who I’m sure is lovely in most aspects of their life but for the purpose of this sentence sucks more than vacuum cleaner. We’ve all been there. (Except me of course – my heart is harder than Stonehenge after someone poured 500 litres of concrete on top and let it set. Plus I have no soul, so there’s that.) And what better way to deal with an imploding love life than by taking a look at some memorable on-screen break-ups? Because if movies and television teach us anything, it’s that we’re all freaking retarded when it comes to matters such as love. SPOILER ALERT: THEY ALL BREAK UP.

THE NOTEBOOK

The number of times I have heard people say they wish they could date a guy like Noah in The Notebook is ridiculous. I think their senses may have been impaired due to Ryan Gosling’s blindness-inducing attractiveness, because after he finishes it with the love of his life, THE GUY IN THIS MOVIE BECOMES A TOTAL STALKER. Allie didn’t come back because Noah restored the house where she almost lost her V-plates to him. Or because he wrote her 365 letters in a year. Or because he spent years pining over her after they separated – that’s all straight out of the USA’s newly instated 51st state: Territory of Crazy Town.  She came back because this is fiction. And because he looks like Ryan Gosling. That’s it. In reality, a guy who does those things is the same type of guy who has converted his basement to a dungeon and secretly plucks out one of your eyelashes so he can keep it in a jar next to his bed when you’re not around – creepy.

the notebook ryan gosling rachel mcadams

SEX AND THE CITY

You think ending things with someone via a text message or email is harsh? Try waking up to a post-it note doing the deed. Well, that’s exactly what happens to Carrie Bradshaw when one of her beaus hits the brakes on their relationship by putting pen to everyone’s favourite gloriously sticky yellow notepad.  Damn, man, that’s cold. Ice cold. Like ice-cube-in-an-ice-bar-in-Antarctica-when-someone’s-left-the-door-open-and-a-draught-is-let-in level of cold. Also, isn’t this guy supposed to be a writer? I mean, he could have come up with something better than “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” Use your words dude!

sex and the city post it note

At least it’s succinct

TITANIC

Ok, Cal, you may have a valid reason to be upset – your girlfriend is making steamy handprints inside cars with the very sexy Jack Dawson while you’re busy doing rich people stuff. Like excessively slicking back your hair. Worse still, Jack’s poor (eww).  If you weren’t fired up enough already, he even had the audacity to draw Rose naked while she was wearing the super-expensive blue diamond necklace you gave her. Awkward. But dealing with it by trying to shoot her (and her new lover) as the ship you’re all in plunges hopelessly into the freezing Atlantic Ocean? I’m no relationship expert, but I think there’s no coming back from that one.

titanic billy zane shooting scene

And cue crazy break-up face!

THE NEW GIRL

This isn’t the first time someone’s been sans clothing during the precise moment their on-screen relationship falls apart – for example, anyone remember Jason Segal being dumped in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Which begs the question: is this a thing now? I can’t recall any of my friends ever wailing “We just broke up! And I was naaaaaaaaaaked! Oh God – THE HUMANITY!” Well, sure, I’m usually mentally humming the score to Grease when friends tell me their problems as I attempt to tune out their words. But I’m sure I would have snapped back to reality when I heard nudity was involved. Right? But the point is, walking in to see your boyfriend with another woman sucks to begin with, but when you’re naked at the time that suckiness increases at least tenfold.

new girl jess break up

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Ah, the break-up that spawned a revolution. As soon as the words “we should just be friends” were uttered to a baby-faced Mark Zuckerberg during his studies at Harvard, it set in motion plans for what would ultimately become the greatest stalking and time-sucking medium the world has ever seen. And it all began because some girl thought he was a bit of a dick. True, Zuckerberg most likely is an arsehole. But he’s an arsehole who created a social media network that we’re more reliant on than a heroin junkie is on their drug dealer. And he’s now worth a fuckload of money.  There’s gotta be some sense of justice in that result (even if the world’s population still hates him). Unfortunately, most of us won’t be able to make it rain after we’re dumped. Unless the ‘rain’ consists of tears and spilt vodka. Shit.

the social network break up scenefacebook mark zuckerberg

“You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an arsehole.”

So basically, scripted break-ups go down way more smoothly and occasionally in a more poetic fashion than the real thing. Who knew?  Usually, the next best thing to closure you’re going to get in reality is crying into a cheeseburger at McDonalds while a homeless man (not played by Ryan Gosling) stares at your chest. And that’s ok.  Because you’ve got a cheeseburger and they are nothing if not delicious.

mcdonalds cheeseburger

Om nom nom. I repeat: Nom.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea!

Being a grown up can suck. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday we were teenagers pondering the big issues i.e. how long to let a text message from that boy you like marinate in your inbox before replying. For the record, if you have a similar dilemma, the correct answer is to always reply instantly. And sign off with your full name but substitute your actual last name with his. Then tell him about your plans to buy a puppy so that the two of you can have a “practice-baby” until you’re ready to start trying for the real thing at a more appropriate time. Like next week. Then check in every 37 minutes just to see how he’s doing. Don’t forget to insert the words “love muffin”, “destiny” and “Who’s that whore you bought coffee from this morning and never spoke to again? I’m going to kill that bitch” into as many texts as possible. He’ll love it. Guaranteed.

immature never grow up

Technically, there’s no rule to say you MUST grow up

But then something weird occurred. Almost overnight (wait, what? High school was six years ago? When did that happen?) I became bombarded with boring-but-necessary tasks that can be filed away under “responsibilities,” “obligations” and “trying not die from starvation because my parents don’t buy my groceries anymore”.  And while the increased freedom and all the other benefits that come with being an adult are a welcome addition, it can occasionally be a bitter pill to swallow that I actually have to, you know, like, do stuff.

Luckily – because I am a genius – I had an epiphany. What if you could transform activities that are typically mundane and tedious into something slightly more enjoyable?

Not possible, right? But, wait. Hold up for a second and you’ll realise that the opportunities to do this are infinite.

EXAMPLE 1: ASKING FOR A RAISE

MORE MONEY! Because you’re worth it. And even if you’re not, you should never let complete and utter incompetency prevent you from getting something you don’t deserve. Now you could set up a meeting with your boss, or whoever is in charge of salary reviews, and calmly list your strongest attributes, your contribution to the team and the increased responsibilities you’ve taken on since you accepted the role. Then, based mostly on this, you could convince the decision-makers to shower you with more dollars every pay day.

OR you could go with the more fun way and ask your boss on a day when he or she is likely feeling the most festive – their birthday! Via a birthday card.  Bonus points if you use one of those cards from Typo that have “Happy birthday, wanker” or “Happy birthday, dickhead” on the front.

Unfortunately, my boss just celebrated his bday recently so I’ll have to wait almost a year to test out this theory but come 2014 I expect there to be a giant increase in my pay packet for sure.

birthday card payrise

And then I’ll use a Christmas card to ask for a free car!

EXAMPLE 2: PAYING BILLS

Electricity. Rent.  Internet. VIP membership to Justin Beiber’s fan club. My bank balance is leaking money like the Titanic leaking water after it thought it could win a punch-up with an iceberg. I could just suck it up, realise that everyone has bills to pay and transfer my cashola over to the vultures and be done with it. But why would I do that when, alternatively, I could give these transactions hilarious and inaccurate descriptions?  “Electricity bill payment”? Nope. That’s now “drug money”. I’m moving to a new place and need to pay an exorbitant amount for my share of the bond?  Well, looks like that’s just been labelled “ cash for sex”.

My housemate Kerryn is the one that has to deal with these payment descriptions polluting her bank statements. What makes this fact extra awesome is that the bank she most often frequents for her important banking business is in Kings Cross. I’m betting it’s about 94 percent likely the tellers assume she’s a hooker and/or drug dealer. Best!

drug money bank statement

Just a regular ol’ transaction… MADE AWESOME!

EXAMPLE 3: TALKING ABOUT SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP MILESTONES SUCH AS MARRIAGE

Let’s not even pretend I’m anywhere remotely near talking about this in my own trainwreck of a love life. That’s a problem for Future Erin. But since we’re all crawling further along life’s timeline, it is inevitable that, eventually, you or someone close to you will contemplate having children, getting married, or undertaking the most serious life decision of all – switching to low-fat mayonnaise.  When they come to you seeking advice, it is imperative that you have the most suitable reaction stored up your sleeve. The ideal response will be dripping with sarcasm and neglectful of your friend’s most important issues in their time of need. If you want guidance, there is a model answer below.

marriage talk wedding

My wise wedding advice: just call me Yoda.

So in conclusion: fight monotony, be immature until you die (or are arrested) and eat lots of pizza.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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