I know what just shot straight to the forefront of your mind after reading that sentence. Three beautiful words.
Goon. Of. Fortune.
With that nugget of alcohol-ingesting brilliance, what more could we possibly need, you ask? Well, riddle me this: did Ian Thorpe win one gold medal at his first Olympics then hang up his insanely large flippers and not bother swimming in any more races? Did the Beatles record Love Me Do then say “Ah, screw it – let them just play that on repeat for the next 50 years”? And did Mr Squiggle use his talented pencil nose to create works of art which paralleled Picasso on the scale of excellence – in a hostile work environment, mind you (grumpy blackboard, anyone?) – just once? Or did this master of drawing continually bring his shit to the proverbial table time and time again?
I think we all know the answer.
Which brings us to one undeniable conclusion. We, collectively as a nation, owe it to the Commonwealth of Australia and to THE CONSTITUTION to lift our game exponentially. We need to take it upon ourselves to adhere more closely to the governing foundation that keeps this country functioning effectively – our excessive love of booze and drinking.
Therefore, I propose we need to develop a few Aussie drinking games that pay tribute to the most beloved aspects of our culture. I’ll start the ball rolling with a few suggestions. You’re welcome!
I have a Canadian friend who I met on the rooftop of a hostel in London when I was just 19. Let’s call him Kyle. Because that is his name. He recently asked me if Australia has any cool drinking games. In the spirit of drop bears or otherwise inventing scenarios solely to fool unsuspecting, gullible foreigners for amusement purposes, I told him about the “massively popular” drinking game called “wom-shots”. Basically, this edging-towards-sadistic-but-not-quite-there-yet game involves chasing wombats and after catching one, lining up a row of a shots along its back. Then, the aim is to down as many of them as possible with your hands tied behind your back before the wombat waddles away (or whatever wombats do) leaving behind a trail of spilt tequila in the bush.*
He believed me. He also denies ever believing me. What a noob. **
*Please note the RSPCA may or may not particularly approve of this game.
**Just kidding Kyle, you’re alright. Even with the lame ‘being Canadian’ thing you’ve got going on.
EXTREME JELLY SHOTS
Continuing the Aussie-wildlife theme, this game necessitates a small amount of preparation. You will need to make a batch of jelly shots beforehand. Once they are ready, find a friendly echidna that is just kicking about, preferably one with a copious number of spikes. Carefully place as many jelly shots as you have on its spikes, then consume said jelly shots at will. Beware of sharp points.
Note: please only attempt if you are a Super Cool Rockstar. Like Dave Grohl. The D-Man could handle this. You could not.
PASH AND POP (SOME PASSION POP)
In this highly sophisticated game, people will open a bottle of Passion Pop (“pop” it open, if you will) then drunkenly make out with the closest attractive, equally belligerent person – hence the “pash” part. Ok, so maybe this sort of thing has been going on since teenagers discovered alcohol is pretty much liquid gold and it isn’t technically a game per se – but now there’s a totally punny name to refer to it by! Bitches love puns. And, clearly, Passion Pop is one of the most important Australian cultural icons so it snugly fits that part of the criteria. Even if its price has risen slightly since I was 16. Seriously, if it doesn’t cost $3, you might as well buy a bottle of Moët, bust out your monocle and pearl necklace and be done with it.
UPDATE!! KYLE REACTS!!!
Canadian Kyle read the post and informed me of his thoughts thusly:
Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.