There are many things about a person that can be incredibly off-putting when searching for The One… or at least, The One Who Will Let You Smush Your Naked Body Parts Against Theirs And Not Cry Afterwards.
If your love interest shows even the slightest sign that they may possess any of the following unsavoury personality traits, it is time to accept they are unsuitable for soulmate duties and/or swapping bodily fluids with. The only people who could potentially make worse choices as lovers are Hitler (for the whole killing-millions-of-people thing), Spongebob Squarepants (living in such a perishable home is not ideal for a sneaky make-out sesh) and that guy on that reality talent show who smashed watermelons on his head (anyone who wastes perfectly delicious fruit is dead to me). Only just though.
HAVING BAD MUSIC TASTE
This is a no brainer. You must have appropriate music taste otherwise you might as well not even exist. Nirvana? Keeper. Anything played on Triple J? Acceptable. Blurred Lines? GTFO.
For serious, who doesn’t love at least one Nirvana song? What are you – dead inside?
FAILING TO RECOGNISE THE GENIUS OF THE BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY
The day I’m not interested in re-watching Marty McFly’s shenanigans for the 1 248 009th time is the day I don’t want to live anymore. Any person worthy of sharing saliva with will have been coveting a hoverboard for years, recognise the importance of Gray’s Sports Almanac and cannot resist screaming something about a flux capacitor and getting up to 88 miles per hour whenever they catch a glimpse of a DeLorean. Anyone who’s not into BTTF can make like a tree and get out of here.
POSSESSING THE ABILITY TO NAME SEVERAL ONE DIRECTION MEMBERS
You should only be able to correctly name one at most. And that one name should be Harry Styles. If you can correctly tell people the full name of anyone else in that boy band then it pains me to say that you are just not relationship material. Disregard this advice if you’re trying to date a 15-year-old girl. They will know all five of them plus their birthdays plus their pets’ names and that’s just the price you have to pay for wanting to hit on a prepubescent teenage girl.
NOT HAVING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT
If someone is not on Facebook it means you have to make an actual effort to speak to them. Ugh. Also, how the hell are you supposed to stalk them then casually reference a band they said they liked in a status update posted in April 2010? ARE YOU AN ANIMAL??!!
WEARING A HUMAN-SHAPED SLEEPING BAG
Actually, that one’s a lie. This shit is effing sexy!
Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed
Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.