Within a few months of moving to Sydney at the beginning of 2012, I found myself needing a new pad to live in. So, like all
desperate tech-savvy peeps of my generation, I turned to my ol’ pal Gumtree. This is the ad I posted:
23-year-old female looking for suckers to live with. Basically.
So paying my rent all by my lonesome after a break up is dangerously depleting my alcohol replenishment fund (read: goon money) and due to this catastrophe I need a new place to live in Sydney and some peeps who can call me their roomie.
I’m a 23-year-old single female or, as my parents feel the need to remind me, someone old enough to know better. I can’t promise a shoulder to cry on during those cold, lonely nights (because obviously, I have no soul) but I can assure you I will inject a healthy dose of sarcasm into your life and ensure you receive a deluge of helpful comments such as “you’re shit” and “you’re ruining my life” on a daily basis. Sometimes I’ll even get crazy, mix it up and say “You’re ruining my liiiiiiiiiiife” instead. Because adding unnecessary syllables makes me hardcore.
Currently I’m working as a journalist so expect all aspects of your life and every action you take henceforth to become future fodder for my writing unless you constantly bribe me with Mars Bars or buy me a goldfish named Lil Flip.
Preferably, I would like to live with females because, you know, bitches be crazy, but could be persuaded to live with guys provided their behaviour isn’t primarily influenced by Big Brother circa 2006 (or as Jesus calls it, “the Turkey Slap era”). Would also not enjoy living with serial killers or date rapists. Petty thieves negotiable.
You’ll be impressed to note that historically I have never missed a single rent payment despite my irrefutable tendency to blow my money on financially irresponsible items. Ideally, I’d like to find a place in the Eastern Suburbs or the Inner West as that’s where the cool kids be at yo.
In the words of one of the greatest pioneers of share-house living, aka that dude from Jersey Shore who looks like a tandoori chicken sandwich… except without the sandwich: “Come at me broooooo (and let me live with you)”*
*I may or may not have taken liberties with Mr Ronnie OrangeAndTooMuscly’s speech. He loves it.
Unfortunately, Gumtree apparently has a word limit for posts so I couldn’t mention that I also own a washing machine and therefore it could be assumed I have at least a passable level of personal hygiene (win!) or the fact I have a pink pencil with the words “Shut the fuck up” emblazoned on its side (handy!).
Without being too dramatic, leaving out these vital details was pretty devastating.
However, despite the grave injustice of this forced exclusion of info, I still received some replies.
This guy was a front runner in the search-for-Erin’s-new-housemate competition for a while: (click to enlarge image)
But this response almost gave SUSH a run for his money:
Ultimately, I ended up moving in with a friend of a friend who, two days later, moved back to Queensland, leaving me in a house full of (probably non-crazy) strangers. Which kind of made the whole Gumtree-ad thing redundant. But thanks for playing anyway. And SUSH – call me!
Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit