Sometimes in life, your heart will be shattered by a person who I’m sure is lovely in most aspects of their life but for the purpose of this sentence sucks more than vacuum cleaner. We’ve all been there. (Except me of course – my heart is harder than Stonehenge after someone poured 500 litres of concrete on top and let it set. Plus I have no soul, so there’s that.) And what better way to deal with an imploding love life than by taking a look at some memorable on-screen break-ups? Because if movies and television teach us anything, it’s that we’re all freaking retarded when it comes to matters such as love. SPOILER ALERT: THEY ALL BREAK UP.
The number of times I have heard people say they wish they could date a guy like Noah in The Notebook is ridiculous. I think their senses may have been impaired due to Ryan Gosling’s blindness-inducing attractiveness, because after he finishes it with the love of his life, THE GUY IN THIS MOVIE BECOMES A TOTAL STALKER. Allie didn’t come back because Noah restored the house where she almost lost her V-plates to him. Or because he wrote her 365 letters in a year. Or because he spent years pining over her after they separated – that’s all straight out of the USA’s newly instated 51st state: Territory of Crazy Town. She came back because this is fiction. And because he looks like Ryan Gosling. That’s it. In reality, a guy who does those things is the same type of guy who has converted his basement to a dungeon and secretly plucks out one of your eyelashes so he can keep it in a jar next to his bed when you’re not around – creepy.
SEX AND THE CITY
You think ending things with someone via a text message or email is harsh? Try waking up to a post-it note doing the deed. Well, that’s exactly what happens to Carrie Bradshaw when one of her beaus hits the brakes on their relationship by putting pen to everyone’s favourite gloriously sticky yellow notepad. Damn, man, that’s cold. Ice cold. Like ice-cube-in-an-ice-bar-in-Antarctica-when-someone’s-left-the-door-open-and-a-draught-is-let-in level of cold. Also, isn’t this guy supposed to be a writer? I mean, he could have come up with something better than “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” Use your words dude!
Ok, Cal, you may have a valid reason to be upset – your girlfriend is making steamy handprints inside cars with the very sexy Jack Dawson while you’re busy doing rich people stuff. Like excessively slicking back your hair. Worse still, Jack’s poor (eww). If you weren’t fired up enough already, he even had the audacity to draw Rose naked while she was wearing the super-expensive blue diamond necklace you gave her. Awkward. But dealing with it by trying to shoot her (and her new lover) as the ship you’re all in plunges hopelessly into the freezing Atlantic Ocean? I’m no relationship expert, but I think there’s no coming back from that one.
THE NEW GIRL
This isn’t the first time someone’s been sans clothing during the precise moment their on-screen relationship falls apart – for example, anyone remember Jason Segal being dumped in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Which begs the question: is this a thing now? I can’t recall any of my friends ever wailing “We just broke up! And I was naaaaaaaaaaked! Oh God – THE HUMANITY!” Well, sure, I’m usually mentally humming the score to Grease when friends tell me their problems as I attempt to tune out their words. But I’m sure I would have snapped back to reality when I heard nudity was involved. Right? But the point is, walking in to see your boyfriend with another woman sucks to begin with, but when you’re naked at the time that suckiness increases at least tenfold.
THE SOCIAL NETWORK
Ah, the break-up that spawned a revolution. As soon as the words “we should just be friends” were uttered to a baby-faced Mark Zuckerberg during his studies at Harvard, it set in motion plans for what would ultimately become the greatest stalking and time-sucking medium the world has ever seen. And it all began because some girl thought he was a bit of a dick. True, Zuckerberg most likely is an arsehole. But he’s an arsehole who created a social media network that we’re more reliant on than a heroin junkie is on their drug dealer. And he’s now worth a fuckload of money. There’s gotta be some sense of justice in that result (even if the world’s population still hates him). Unfortunately, most of us won’t be able to make it rain after we’re dumped. Unless the ‘rain’ consists of tears and spilt vodka. Shit.
So basically, scripted break-ups go down way more smoothly and occasionally in a more poetic fashion than the real thing. Who knew? Usually, the next best thing to closure you’re going to get in reality is crying into a cheeseburger at McDonalds while a homeless man (not played by Ryan Gosling) stares at your chest. And that’s ok. Because you’ve got a cheeseburger and they are nothing if not delicious.
Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.