Category Archives: music lessons

Lesson #44 Shitty music taste is a relationship deal breaker

There are many things about a person that can be incredibly off-putting when searching for The One… or at least, The One Who Will Let You Smush Your Naked Body Parts Against Theirs And Not Cry Afterwards.

If your love interest shows even the slightest sign that they may possess any of the following unsavoury personality traits, it is time to accept they are unsuitable for soulmate duties and/or swapping bodily fluids with. The only people who could potentially make worse choices as lovers are Hitler (for the whole killing-millions-of-people thing), Spongebob Squarepants (living in such a perishable home is not ideal for a sneaky make-out sesh) and that guy on that reality talent show who smashed watermelons on his head  (anyone who wastes perfectly delicious fruit is dead to me).  Only just though.

HAVING BAD MUSIC TASTE

This is a no brainer. You must have appropriate music taste otherwise you might as well not even exist. Nirvana? Keeper.  Anything played on Triple J? Acceptable. Blurred Lines? GTFO.
For serious, who doesn’t love at least one Nirvana song? What are you – dead inside?

blurred lines robin thicke

No. Just no.


FAILING TO RECOGNISE THE GENIUS OF THE BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY

The day I’m not interested in re-watching Marty McFly’s shenanigans for the 1 248 009th time is the day I don’t want to live anymore. Any person worthy of sharing saliva with will have been coveting a hoverboard for years, recognise the importance of Gray’s Sports Almanac and cannot resist screaming something about a flux capacitor and getting up to 88 miles per hour whenever they catch a glimpse of a DeLorean. Anyone who’s not into BTTF can make like a tree and get out of here.

back to the future marty mcfly lorraine baines

POSSESSING THE ABILITY TO NAME SEVERAL ONE DIRECTION MEMBERS

You should only be able to correctly name one at most. And that one name should be Harry Styles. If you can correctly tell people the full name of anyone else in that boy band then it pains me to say that you are just not relationship material. Disregard this advice if you’re trying to date a 15-year-old girl. They will know all five of them plus their birthdays plus their pets’ names and that’s just the price you have to pay for wanting to hit on a prepubescent teenage girl.

one direction harry styles

Word on the street is this band might get kinda big


NOT HAVING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT

If someone is not on Facebook it means you have to make an actual effort to speak to them. Ugh. Also, how the hell are you supposed to stalk them then casually reference a band they said they liked in a status update posted in April 2010? ARE YOU AN ANIMAL??!!

cyanide and happiness comic facebook

My reaction when someone tells me they’re not on Facebook.


WEARING A HUMAN-SHAPED SLEEPING BAG

Actually, that one’s a lie. This shit is effing sexy!

selk bag sleeping bag human shaped

Resisting urge to throw myself at this guy

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed
Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit.

Let me paint this picture for you. You know that one day a year you look forward to the most? If you’re under the age of 12, that day’s probably Christmas, with Easter and its associated family-endorsed mass-inhaling of chocolate placing a close second. Meanwhile, if you’re a narcissistic arsehole, your favourite day is more likely your birthday while for fans of forced romance and overpriced rose petals, Valentine’s Day is the pick of the bunch.

Well, for me, the sex-for-your-ears music festival, Soundwave, is the day that metaphorically rips the arteries from the bodies of all other days, reengineers this vital organ into guitar strings then rocks the shit out of the joint by playing this disgustingly graphic – and probably ineffective – instrument, before relentlessly mocking every other date on the calendar that just couldn’t make the cut.

Too much? Fair call.

I wore a white shirt to Soundwave with my awesome friend Cat. It later rained. That was unfortunate.

I wore a white shirt to Soundwave with my awesome friend Cat. It later rained. That was unfortunate.

Anyway, while Soundwave is the epitome of musical bliss in my mind, the surrounding days – and their epic sideshows – are also pretty cool. Among those I went to, the Billy Talent and Sum 41 gig was one I was particularly keen for.

billy talent sum 41 gig music live bands

Instagramming tickets: almost as cool as taking a pic of my breakfast

However, apparently these super-mellow things called ‘mosh pits’ are COMPLETELY FRAUGHT WITH IPHONE-THREATENING DANGER. Somewhere between Billy Talent’s energetic rendition of Running Across the Tracks and Sum 41 skilfully busting out the classics despite Deryck Whibley’s unfortunate Ronald McDonald-like hair, my phone went MIA. Cue disaster. Sadly, I never managed to find it. And somehow, with the number of potential screen-smashing limbs in attendance at this gig, I’m feeling like the outlook is grim.

On the plus side, I made it to the front row. Right up against the barrier. If I was that way inclined, I totally could have licked it. (Side note: I did not lick the barrier. That would be weird.)

I can't prove my view was closer than this because I had no phone but let's all just agree that it was

I can’t prove my view was closer than this because I had no phone but let’s all just agree that it was

In order to make myself feel much better about losing such a treasured possession, I’ve compiled a list of five other places that almost rival a mosh pit as the worst place to lose or drop your phone.

1. THE GAP BETWEEN THE TRAIN AND THE STATION PLATFORM

Don’t lie – you’ve pictured it haven’t you? Dropping anything here would be so ridiculously frustrating – not least because you’d probably still be able to see it, but any attempt to reach it could result in a rapid – and unqualified – amputation of your arm due the whole ‘moving trains’ business.

2. IN A GLASS CONTAINING VODKA AND ORANGE JUICE (OR ANY OTHER LESS SPECIFIC LIQUID) 

I can neither confirm nor deny that this has happened to me in the past. Look, all I’ll say is that historically, I haven’t had the best luck with phones. But, I mean, some of the buttons still worked – you just couldn’t use vowels when texting and sometimes you couldn’t press the button to end calls. Apart from that it was all good. I swear!

3. A GIANT HANDBAG

Laaaadies – you understand what I’m talking about. Scrounging around a handbag trying to find a ringing phone before the call ends could possibly be one of the most annoying things on the planet. Except maybe Will Ferrell. He’s pretty irritating. But at least your phone will only be lost temporarily here. So that’s a win.

4. BURIED IN A SANDPIT 

I’m not sure what you’re doing in a sandpit when there’s plenty of perfectly good beaches to play on, but whatever you do, do not lose your phone here. I’m still reeling over the time I buried my Bambi toy in the primary school sandpit when I was six years old and it was gone forever. I still get cold chills at night thinking about that incident. Not cool.

5. THE MOUTH OF A SHARK AND/OR CROCODILE

Granted, unless you’re trying to emulate Steve Irwin it’s doubtful this scenario is likely to occur. Still, there’s no denying that this would be a pretty sucky place to drop a phone. So. Many. Sharp. Teeth.

iphone

End result

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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