Category Archives: Pop culture lessons

Lesson #739 Being good at Tetris increases your street cred.

tetris club

Source: tumblr.com/1los

How many times were we told while growing up that we were wasting our lives playing video games?

Well, parents admit defeat because you were wrong. Those countless hours spent in front of TV and computer screens didn’t destroy our lives – not only because being a skilled player makes you SUPER FREAKING COOL (well, to the right crowd  at least), it also prepared us for much of life’s most common scenarios and pitfalls.

TETRIS

tetris eff shit up

One of life’s biggest challenges
Source: tumblr.com/matador

We didn’t know it at the time, but Tetris was the game that was most useful in providing skills to help us navigate the challenging obstacles that inevitably appear in life. Need to stack every cup, plate, saucepan and spatula you’ve ever owned into the dishwasher before your mother pops over for an impromptu visit? Don’t worry, because of Tetris, you’ve got this. Or trying to fit all your food into your tiny designated shelf in the fridge/pantry that you share with your housemates? Tetris skills have you covered. Or maybe you’re moving house and can’t be bothered hiring a moving truck so instead you push everything you own  – including your ex-boyfriend’s hoodie that you “forgot” to return – into your car and hope for the best. I mean, it’s likely you’ll reverse into your letterbox on account of not being able to see behind because there’s too much crap in too small of a space. But in terms of fitting everything in? YOU HAVE BEEN PREPARING YOUR WHOLE LIFE FOR THIS MOMENT. Let the glory of success sink in. Thank you for all you have done for me Tetris. I’ll never forget you.

Also, being good at Tetris ups your street cred considerably. I’m yet to meet anyone who isn’t suitably impressed by someone that is good at shoving virtual coloured blocks together and making them disappear. And they should rightfully be impressed. Because TALENT!

MARIO KART

mario kart pie chart

Yep, pretty accurate.
Source: weheartit.com

Princess Peach. Yoshi. Toad. Bowser. The world’s most famous Italian plumbing trio (Mario, Luigi, Wario). All the main players, the A-list of the Nintendo world you could say, make an appearance in this fiercely competitive game. And what can we learn from participating in this hotly contested race? A) Screaming “DIE BITCH DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” to your younger sibling is a socially acceptable reaction to being forced into last place after she throws some tortoise shells at your character onscreen, slowing you down instantly, B) If you’re not first, you’re last and you must win Mario Kart whatever the cost.DO WHATEVER IT TAKES! and C) Most importantly: mushrooms = power boost. Mushrooms will always speed up any task you’re faced with. Never forget that.

PAC MAN

Pacman psych

The perils of being Pacman are deep, man. DEEP!
Source: tumblr.com/psychcomedy

What even the actual fuck is Pac Man? Is he a yellow, circle-shaped alien? Is he a pie-chart who has been fired from his job at an Excel spreadsheet for not correctly displaying the ratio of seeds planted versus tomatoes eventually harvested from Old MacDonald’s Farm? I just don’t even…

I do, however, like the fact that Pac Man kind of looks like a pie that has had a slice already eaten from him. I like pie. Pie is delicious.

But in addition to making me think of food, Pac Man furthers our life education by demonstrating that if you eat too many of those white pill-looking things, those weird blobby characters turn into weird blue blobby characters and then you feel the need to try to munch down on them until only their (oddly-mobile) eyes are left.  And no one wants that.  So that’s probably an ill-advised activity to undertake.

DONKEY KONG

donkey kong bananas

This game used to drive me bananas! Boom, tish!
Source: tumblr.com/fr0zenheart23

There are probably a lot of things we may have learnt from playing Donkey Kong, but let’s be honest here – they all pale in comparison to the fact that if it wasn’t for this game, we would have never been introduced to the phrase “It’s on like Donkey Kong!” Which is essentially the best phrase on the entire planet.  Hashtag enough said.

THE SIMS

the sims baby bbq barbecue funny

Seems legit.
Source: tumblr.com/areweevenalive

the sims baby burn on fire

Some people just want to watch the world/their baby burn
Source: tumblr.com/momjeansaresexyaf

Who hasn’t wanted to play God at one point or another in their life? The Sims allows for this while simultaneously  teaching players that you need to balance all your various needs effectively (whether they be health, social, career, etc.) to be happy at life. Which would be useful if players actually stopped playing the game at some point and opted instead for the real-life version of this ‘simulating life’ game. You know, like actual life.

Other essential life lessons drawn from The Sims include discovering that: a short stint on the treadmill makes you super healthy, kissing someone heaps of times will result in a baby and when you take a shower, your body will morph into some kind of weird pixelated matter. Just as I suspected.

Oh, and if you don’t like someone in the real world? There’s nothing more satisfying than creating a doppleganger Sim, then placing them in a pool with no ladder until they drown or refusing to feed them ‘til they starve to death. Mwahahahaha. I mean, what? I don’t do that. *Cough.* *shifts eyes left to right uncomfortably*.

the sims tina fey 30 rock

My life summary.
Source: tumblr.com/appledoom4

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Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is a stoner

Fictional children’s characters. They’re super sweet and nothing but good, clean, wholesome fun. Right?

No way – scratch the surface and it’s apparent that many of our favourite children’s heroes are actually just a front for a world teeming with hedonism, criminal activities and downright immoral behaviour. Here’s a little taste of some of the most disturbing perpetrators as well as the crimes they commit.

mary poppins drugs weed

I’ll say… *cough* stoner *cough*

Mary Poppins. Crime: Drug using

Don’t let the whole ‘being responsible for wayward children with daddy issues’ thing fool you. This is a woman who gets ‘high’ – literally high enough to reach the ceiling in fact – then satisfies her munchies by having a tea party on said ceiling. Not convinced she’s stoned? Think about it: there’s way too much laughter in that room for any of it to have been induced naturally. And all of this with a couple of kids in tow? What a badass.

mary poppins drugs
See? Drugs

Prince Charming. Crime: Bigamy

Two words: man whore. Among the extensive list of princesses he has seduced are Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. And those are only the women with enough swag to have fairytales written about them. There’s probably a pumpkin-carriage out there somewhere overflowing with groupies peasant women who he also bedded. Plus, correct me if I’m wrong, but I can’t recall any fairytales ending with “And then they lived happily ever after… until their divorce three months later when every moment they breathed, they were in a living hell”. So I’m guessing he’s still married to them all. Which is a little bit illegal. And by a “litte bit”, I mean “definitely”.

Prince Charming

Step away from the princess, Charming.

Sleeping Beauty* Crime: Sexual Assault.

So this chick falls asleep in a dodgy, isolated area of the woods. (Or more likely, is in a coma, because let’s be honest, unless she’s had one hell of a night on the turps I don’t think she’d realistically manage to stay passed out for 100 years. More like 80 years. Max.) Nekminnit some sleazy princes stumbles along and makes out with her while she’s still unconscious and everybody is totally cool with it. Awesome. Can’t wait ’til my knight in shining armour comes along and forcibly sticks his tongue down my throat. That’s true love for sure.

sleeping beauty prince charming

Fairytales teach us that kissing an unconscious person is socially acceptable

Tommy Pickles from Rugrats. Crime: Break and Enter

This tiny tyrant is a crafty criminal in the making. Covertly carrying around a screwdriver that he stashes in his nappy, Tommy can bust out of anything from his playpen to gates in backyards. His natural predisposition for breaking into and out of places in this manner is clearly foreshadowing his talents as a break-and-enter criminal mastermind later in life. Meanwhile, the adults in the rugrats’ lives don’t have a clue what these kids (or should I say, gang that may one day be more notorious than the Hell’s Angels) are up to. As if Tommy isn’t crawling around thinking, “I didn’t choose the smug life, the smug life chose me”.

tommy pickles screwdriver rugrats

The second coolest screwdriver in the world (the first being the vodka-and-OJ kind)

Miss Piggy from the Muppets. Crime: Sexual Harassment

Miss Piggy spends the majority of her time chasing Kermit the Frog – who generally feels extremely uncomfortable when subjected to these unwanted advances. Yet, despite this, she continues. And that my friend, is called sexual harassment. Which is almost universally frowned upon. Except in certain suburbs of Sydney. But let’s not even open that can of worms.

miss piggy hits kermit the frog

She also hits Kermit a lot. Domestic violence? No biggie.

*Technically Sleeping Beauty is the victim here and not the perpetrator. But whatever, I’m inconsistent. Deal with it.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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