Let me preface this post with a clarification so as not to gravely offend those people who may see their behaviours reflected in the following online conduct: you are not an unsurpassed tosser because of this. You are probably one due to your countless unsavoury personality traits and the myriad other disturbing activities you engage in – wanky Facebook check-ins just being one of many. Phew. Glad I cleared that up. Could have gotten awkward. #SavedIt.
Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I’m going to give it to you straight. Just stop. Never check in to these places again unless you want me to stab your eyes out with a blunt 2B pencil. Or something less dramatic. Honestly, I’ll probably just mentally visualise a fist being shaken at your general direction. Being lazily passive-aggressive is so hot right now.
Come on – we get it! You’re busting your arse on the treadmill in a quest to develop a stomach flatter than a steamrolled pancake (if you’re female) or, if you’re a guy, abs more beefed-up than the strippers from Magic Mike if they were on steroids. But do 378 of your nearest and dearest really need to be informed each time you step inside a sweat-infested hell hole – or as I like to call it, the place where personal hygiene comes to die?
Unless it’s the premiere of The Great Gatsby and you just met Leo DiCaprio in person – and totally acted cool and not like you’d hump his leg if given the chance – then it’s doubtful your choice of entertainment for the night interests anybody. Maybe the director of the movie cares (or at least cares about the amount of dosh you just spent on tickets to see their film). Everyone else? Not so much.
This one is forgivable if (a) you’re going somewhere cool (b) you never travel anywhere or (c) your flight is not for ages and you’re sitting at the airport bar more bored than five-year-old at a tax office. But if you’re just doing the regular ol’ Sydney-to-Melbourne (and return) flight you do every month for business, then I wouldn’t even bother.
MORE THAN ONE BAR IN A NIGHT
All this bouncing about to different watering holes in the space of one night is giving me a headache. Also, are you aware that now that your whereabouts have digitally been made common knowledge, that person whose call you never returned/employee you fired/annoying in-law/circus clown that creeped you out in primary school but for some inexplicable reason added you on Facebook can stalk you under the guise of ‘I just happened to be in the neighbourhood’?
I am a self-confessed major social-media addict but – call me crazy – I still think there are places and occasions that maybe the internet shouldn’t be allowed to infiltrate. Your wedding is a big one. And I’m sure you can wait until after the honeymoon before changing your relationship status. As opposed to while walking down the aisle while juggling a bouquet in one hand and a pair of pliers in the other (for that moment you might want to go all Runaway Bride and need the tools to help you bust out through a bathroom window – obviously). Other events that probably don’t require you to check in while you’re physically there include: funerals, job interviews, the reading of your grandmother’s will, court appearances and bank robberies (only if you’re the perpetrator in that last one – if you’re in a hostage sitch, by all means check in and help the local cop out with your whereabouts).
Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.