Category Archives: Social lessons

Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym on Facebook makes you look like a tosser

Let me preface this post with a clarification so as not to gravely offend those people who may see their behaviours reflected in the following online conduct: you are not an unsurpassed tosser because of this. You are probably one due to your countless unsavoury personality traits and the myriad other disturbing activities you engage in – wanky Facebook check-ins just being one of many. Phew. Glad I cleared that up. Could have gotten awkward. #SavedIt.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I’m going to give it to you straight. Just stop. Never check in to these places again unless you want me to stab your eyes out with a blunt 2B pencil. Or something less dramatic. Honestly, I’ll probably just mentally visualise a fist being shaken at your general direction. Being lazily passive-aggressive is so hot right now.

gym facebook check in

THE GYM

Come on – we get it! You’re busting your arse on the treadmill in a quest to develop a stomach flatter than a steamrolled pancake (if you’re female) or, if you’re a guy, abs more beefed-up than the strippers from Magic Mike if they were on steroids. But do 378 of your nearest and dearest really need to be informed each time you step inside a sweat-infested hell hole – or as I like to call it, the place where personal hygiene comes to die?

THE CINEMA

Unless it’s the premiere of The Great Gatsby and you just met Leo DiCaprio in person – and totally acted cool and not like you’d hump his leg if given the chance – then it’s doubtful your choice of entertainment for the night interests anybody. Maybe the director of the movie cares (or at least cares about the amount of dosh you just spent on tickets to see their film). Everyone else? Not so much.

facebook check in

AIRPORTS

This one is forgivable if (a) you’re going somewhere cool (b) you never travel anywhere or (c) your flight is not for ages and you’re sitting at the airport bar more bored than five-year-old at a tax office. But if you’re just doing the regular ol’ Sydney-to-Melbourne (and return) flight you do every month for business, then I wouldn’t even bother.

MORE THAN ONE BAR IN A NIGHT

All this bouncing about to different watering holes in the space of one night is giving me a headache. Also, are you aware that now that your whereabouts have digitally been made common knowledge, that person whose call you never returned/employee you fired/annoying in-law/circus clown that creeped you out in primary school but for some inexplicable reason added you on Facebook can stalk you under the guise of ‘I just happened to be in the neighbourhood’?

wedding facebook status

YOUR WEDDING

I am a self-confessed major social-media addict but – call me crazy – I still think there are places and occasions that maybe the internet shouldn’t be allowed to infiltrate. Your wedding is a big one. And I’m sure you can wait until after the honeymoon before changing your relationship status. As opposed to while walking down the aisle while juggling a bouquet in one hand and a pair of pliers in the other (for that moment you might want to go all Runaway Bride and need the tools to help you bust out through a bathroom window – obviously). Other events that probably don’t require you to check in while you’re physically there include: funerals, job interviews, the reading of your grandmother’s will, court appearances  and bank robberies (only if you’re the perpetrator in that last one – if you’re in a hostage sitch, by all means check in and help the local cop out with your whereabouts).

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit.

Let me paint this picture for you. You know that one day a year you look forward to the most? If you’re under the age of 12, that day’s probably Christmas, with Easter and its associated family-endorsed mass-inhaling of chocolate placing a close second. Meanwhile, if you’re a narcissistic arsehole, your favourite day is more likely your birthday while for fans of forced romance and overpriced rose petals, Valentine’s Day is the pick of the bunch.

Well, for me, the sex-for-your-ears music festival, Soundwave, is the day that metaphorically rips the arteries from the bodies of all other days, reengineers this vital organ into guitar strings then rocks the shit out of the joint by playing this disgustingly graphic – and probably ineffective – instrument, before relentlessly mocking every other date on the calendar that just couldn’t make the cut.

Too much? Fair call.

I wore a white shirt to Soundwave with my awesome friend Cat. It later rained. That was unfortunate.

I wore a white shirt to Soundwave with my awesome friend Cat. It later rained. That was unfortunate.

Anyway, while Soundwave is the epitome of musical bliss in my mind, the surrounding days – and their epic sideshows – are also pretty cool. Among those I went to, the Billy Talent and Sum 41 gig was one I was particularly keen for.

billy talent sum 41 gig music live bands

Instagramming tickets: almost as cool as taking a pic of my breakfast

However, apparently these super-mellow things called ‘mosh pits’ are COMPLETELY FRAUGHT WITH IPHONE-THREATENING DANGER. Somewhere between Billy Talent’s energetic rendition of Running Across the Tracks and Sum 41 skilfully busting out the classics despite Deryck Whibley’s unfortunate Ronald McDonald-like hair, my phone went MIA. Cue disaster. Sadly, I never managed to find it. And somehow, with the number of potential screen-smashing limbs in attendance at this gig, I’m feeling like the outlook is grim.

On the plus side, I made it to the front row. Right up against the barrier. If I was that way inclined, I totally could have licked it. (Side note: I did not lick the barrier. That would be weird.)

I can't prove my view was closer than this because I had no phone but let's all just agree that it was

I can’t prove my view was closer than this because I had no phone but let’s all just agree that it was

In order to make myself feel much better about losing such a treasured possession, I’ve compiled a list of five other places that almost rival a mosh pit as the worst place to lose or drop your phone.

1. THE GAP BETWEEN THE TRAIN AND THE STATION PLATFORM

Don’t lie – you’ve pictured it haven’t you? Dropping anything here would be so ridiculously frustrating – not least because you’d probably still be able to see it, but any attempt to reach it could result in a rapid – and unqualified – amputation of your arm due the whole ‘moving trains’ business.

2. IN A GLASS CONTAINING VODKA AND ORANGE JUICE (OR ANY OTHER LESS SPECIFIC LIQUID) 

I can neither confirm nor deny that this has happened to me in the past. Look, all I’ll say is that historically, I haven’t had the best luck with phones. But, I mean, some of the buttons still worked – you just couldn’t use vowels when texting and sometimes you couldn’t press the button to end calls. Apart from that it was all good. I swear!

3. A GIANT HANDBAG

Laaaadies – you understand what I’m talking about. Scrounging around a handbag trying to find a ringing phone before the call ends could possibly be one of the most annoying things on the planet. Except maybe Will Ferrell. He’s pretty irritating. But at least your phone will only be lost temporarily here. So that’s a win.

4. BURIED IN A SANDPIT 

I’m not sure what you’re doing in a sandpit when there’s plenty of perfectly good beaches to play on, but whatever you do, do not lose your phone here. I’m still reeling over the time I buried my Bambi toy in the primary school sandpit when I was six years old and it was gone forever. I still get cold chills at night thinking about that incident. Not cool.

5. THE MOUTH OF A SHARK AND/OR CROCODILE

Granted, unless you’re trying to emulate Steve Irwin it’s doubtful this scenario is likely to occur. Still, there’s no denying that this would be a pretty sucky place to drop a phone. So. Many. Sharp. Teeth.

iphone

End result

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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