Tag Archives: dating

Lesson #44 Shitty music taste is a relationship deal breaker

There are many things about a person that can be incredibly off-putting when searching for The One… or at least, The One Who Will Let You Smush Your Naked Body Parts Against Theirs And Not Cry Afterwards.

If your love interest shows even the slightest sign that they may possess any of the following unsavoury personality traits, it is time to accept they are unsuitable for soulmate duties and/or swapping bodily fluids with. The only people who could potentially make worse choices as lovers are Hitler (for the whole killing-millions-of-people thing), Spongebob Squarepants (living in such a perishable home is not ideal for a sneaky make-out sesh) and that guy on that reality talent show who smashed watermelons on his head  (anyone who wastes perfectly delicious fruit is dead to me).  Only just though.

HAVING BAD MUSIC TASTE

This is a no brainer. You must have appropriate music taste otherwise you might as well not even exist. Nirvana? Keeper.  Anything played on Triple J? Acceptable. Blurred Lines? GTFO.
For serious, who doesn’t love at least one Nirvana song? What are you – dead inside?

blurred lines robin thicke

No. Just no.


FAILING TO RECOGNISE THE GENIUS OF THE BACK TO THE FUTURE TRILOGY

The day I’m not interested in re-watching Marty McFly’s shenanigans for the 1 248 009th time is the day I don’t want to live anymore. Any person worthy of sharing saliva with will have been coveting a hoverboard for years, recognise the importance of Gray’s Sports Almanac and cannot resist screaming something about a flux capacitor and getting up to 88 miles per hour whenever they catch a glimpse of a DeLorean. Anyone who’s not into BTTF can make like a tree and get out of here.

back to the future marty mcfly lorraine baines

POSSESSING THE ABILITY TO NAME SEVERAL ONE DIRECTION MEMBERS

You should only be able to correctly name one at most. And that one name should be Harry Styles. If you can correctly tell people the full name of anyone else in that boy band then it pains me to say that you are just not relationship material. Disregard this advice if you’re trying to date a 15-year-old girl. They will know all five of them plus their birthdays plus their pets’ names and that’s just the price you have to pay for wanting to hit on a prepubescent teenage girl.

one direction harry styles

Word on the street is this band might get kinda big


NOT HAVING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT

If someone is not on Facebook it means you have to make an actual effort to speak to them. Ugh. Also, how the hell are you supposed to stalk them then casually reference a band they said they liked in a status update posted in April 2010? ARE YOU AN ANIMAL??!!

cyanide and happiness comic facebook

My reaction when someone tells me they’re not on Facebook.


WEARING A HUMAN-SHAPED SLEEPING BAG

Actually, that one’s a lie. This shit is effing sexy!

selk bag sleeping bag human shaped

Resisting urge to throw myself at this guy

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed
Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note

Sometimes in life, your heart will be shattered by a person who I’m sure is lovely in most aspects of their life but for the purpose of this sentence sucks more than vacuum cleaner. We’ve all been there. (Except me of course – my heart is harder than Stonehenge after someone poured 500 litres of concrete on top and let it set. Plus I have no soul, so there’s that.) And what better way to deal with an imploding love life than by taking a look at some memorable on-screen break-ups? Because if movies and television teach us anything, it’s that we’re all freaking retarded when it comes to matters such as love. SPOILER ALERT: THEY ALL BREAK UP.

THE NOTEBOOK

The number of times I have heard people say they wish they could date a guy like Noah in The Notebook is ridiculous. I think their senses may have been impaired due to Ryan Gosling’s blindness-inducing attractiveness, because after he finishes it with the love of his life, THE GUY IN THIS MOVIE BECOMES A TOTAL STALKER. Allie didn’t come back because Noah restored the house where she almost lost her V-plates to him. Or because he wrote her 365 letters in a year. Or because he spent years pining over her after they separated – that’s all straight out of the USA’s newly instated 51st state: Territory of Crazy Town.  She came back because this is fiction. And because he looks like Ryan Gosling. That’s it. In reality, a guy who does those things is the same type of guy who has converted his basement to a dungeon and secretly plucks out one of your eyelashes so he can keep it in a jar next to his bed when you’re not around – creepy.

the notebook ryan gosling rachel mcadams

SEX AND THE CITY

You think ending things with someone via a text message or email is harsh? Try waking up to a post-it note doing the deed. Well, that’s exactly what happens to Carrie Bradshaw when one of her beaus hits the brakes on their relationship by putting pen to everyone’s favourite gloriously sticky yellow notepad.  Damn, man, that’s cold. Ice cold. Like ice-cube-in-an-ice-bar-in-Antarctica-when-someone’s-left-the-door-open-and-a-draught-is-let-in level of cold. Also, isn’t this guy supposed to be a writer? I mean, he could have come up with something better than “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” Use your words dude!

sex and the city post it note

At least it’s succinct

TITANIC

Ok, Cal, you may have a valid reason to be upset – your girlfriend is making steamy handprints inside cars with the very sexy Jack Dawson while you’re busy doing rich people stuff. Like excessively slicking back your hair. Worse still, Jack’s poor (eww).  If you weren’t fired up enough already, he even had the audacity to draw Rose naked while she was wearing the super-expensive blue diamond necklace you gave her. Awkward. But dealing with it by trying to shoot her (and her new lover) as the ship you’re all in plunges hopelessly into the freezing Atlantic Ocean? I’m no relationship expert, but I think there’s no coming back from that one.

titanic billy zane shooting scene

And cue crazy break-up face!

THE NEW GIRL

This isn’t the first time someone’s been sans clothing during the precise moment their on-screen relationship falls apart – for example, anyone remember Jason Segal being dumped in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Which begs the question: is this a thing now? I can’t recall any of my friends ever wailing “We just broke up! And I was naaaaaaaaaaked! Oh God – THE HUMANITY!” Well, sure, I’m usually mentally humming the score to Grease when friends tell me their problems as I attempt to tune out their words. But I’m sure I would have snapped back to reality when I heard nudity was involved. Right? But the point is, walking in to see your boyfriend with another woman sucks to begin with, but when you’re naked at the time that suckiness increases at least tenfold.

new girl jess break up

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Ah, the break-up that spawned a revolution. As soon as the words “we should just be friends” were uttered to a baby-faced Mark Zuckerberg during his studies at Harvard, it set in motion plans for what would ultimately become the greatest stalking and time-sucking medium the world has ever seen. And it all began because some girl thought he was a bit of a dick. True, Zuckerberg most likely is an arsehole. But he’s an arsehole who created a social media network that we’re more reliant on than a heroin junkie is on their drug dealer. And he’s now worth a fuckload of money.  There’s gotta be some sense of justice in that result (even if the world’s population still hates him). Unfortunately, most of us won’t be able to make it rain after we’re dumped. Unless the ‘rain’ consists of tears and spilt vodka. Shit.

the social network break up scenefacebook mark zuckerberg

“You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an arsehole.”

So basically, scripted break-ups go down way more smoothly and occasionally in a more poetic fashion than the real thing. Who knew?  Usually, the next best thing to closure you’re going to get in reality is crying into a cheeseburger at McDonalds while a homeless man (not played by Ryan Gosling) stares at your chest. And that’s ok.  Because you’ve got a cheeseburger and they are nothing if not delicious.

mcdonalds cheeseburger

Om nom nom. I repeat: Nom.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

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