Tag Archives: lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed

stop following me shadow

You’re walking home one night. You’re alone. It’s dark. And you’re heading down a path that’s a little bit stabby.

Maybe you’re a vampire who adores leisurely strolls in the moonlight and sculling human blood like someone just called last drinks at the bar. Or you could just be heading home from work/a friend’s place/boozy night on the town. Which I guess is more likely. Whatever, I don’t want to make assumptions; I’m not here to judge.

You keep walking and it gets to the point where you’re convinced that guy behind you is following waaaaaaay too closely. This is it, you think, I am definitely going to die a slow, excruciating death in about 20 seconds. AND I DIDN’T EVEN FIND OUT WHO GOT EVICTED FROM BIG BROTHER THIS WEEK.UGGGGHH. FML.

So. What do you do? After searching your pockets for some form of self-defence mechanism , you don’t find a gun (because, uh, you’re not crazy and/or an American) or a razor (yep, not a character in the fourth season of Underbelly either) so your mind rapidly starts looking for answers. Then it comes to you – you’ll get all MacGyver-esque and get yourself out of the situation by unrealistically turning everyday objects that you find in your pockets or handbag into HARDCORE WEAPONS OF DESTRUCTION to use against the aforementioned creepy guy.

The following items commonly found in your handbag/wallet/pockets are brilliant for transforming into makeshift weapons:

CREDIT CARDS

All you have to do is origami the shit out of them and fold in the correct manner according to several complex directions found on the internet until it transforms into a machete or something. Sure, credit card material is a little tougher to fold than paper – as in there’s a 50/50 chance it’ll snap in half, release thousands of tiny flesh-piercing credit-cards shards into the air, land in your eye and irreparably impair your vision for the next 40 years until a cure for blindness is discovered. But don’t even worry about that. You got this!

origami weapon dinosaur

Or you could origami this dinosaur thing. That’s cool too.

PENS/PENCILS

Just rub these babies against concrete until the ends have been worn into sharp pointy bits that resemble darts. Then use them as darts against your would-be attacker pretending he or she is dart board! Ten points for hitting or at least grazing the person after you’ve thrown the pencil-dart at them. You’ll receive 50 for a straight-in-the-eye shot and if you get it stuck in their belly button you get 50 000 points, your framed photo in the pencil-dart hall of fame and a special place in my heart for just being so awesome.

human target pencil darts

Yep, that’s pretty much how I envision this going down

KEYS

Nothing like a good jab in the ol’ [insert any vulnerable body part whatsoever – I’m not fussy] with a key to show someone who’s boss. This is like the fast food equivalent of weapons – quick, cheap, ready-made, not-even-an-idiot-could-mess-it-up but you’d probably still rather something a little fancier. Basically, just use it like a shank and try to do some stabbing. For posh rich people who only own cars with keyless entry and swipe passes to access their homes… well, sorry peeps, guess this tip’s not for you. I mean you could always try jabbing with that little non-key box thing. Couldn’t hurt to try, really.

stabbing key weapon dangerous

Apparently there’s a correct and incorrect way to get all Stabby McStabster on someone with your keys. Noted.

COINS

If Lenny from The Simpsons has taught us anything (other than being too close-knit with a black friend of the same gender will make people automatically assume you are gay), it’s that you should never get anything lodged in your eye – least of all coins. Using this concept as your guiding principle, you should throw a handful of coins in the same way you’d throw a Frisbee to someone… except you aim for their eyes. There is no possible way this could turn out badly. Not even slightly. Yeah, you might not die. Maybe.

lenny eye gag the simpsons

NOT LENNY!

More Lessons

Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

Tagged , , ,

Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is a stoner

Fictional children’s characters. They’re super sweet and nothing but good, clean, wholesome fun. Right?

No way – scratch the surface and it’s apparent that many of our favourite children’s heroes are actually just a front for a world teeming with hedonism, criminal activities and downright immoral behaviour. Here’s a little taste of some of the most disturbing perpetrators as well as the crimes they commit.

mary poppins drugs weed

I’ll say… *cough* stoner *cough*

Mary Poppins. Crime: Drug using

Don’t let the whole ‘being responsible for wayward children with daddy issues’ thing fool you. This is a woman who gets ‘high’ – literally high enough to reach the ceiling in fact – then satisfies her munchies by having a tea party on said ceiling. Not convinced she’s stoned? Think about it: there’s way too much laughter in that room for any of it to have been induced naturally. And all of this with a couple of kids in tow? What a badass.

mary poppins drugs
See? Drugs

Prince Charming. Crime: Bigamy

Two words: man whore. Among the extensive list of princesses he has seduced are Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty. And those are only the women with enough swag to have fairytales written about them. There’s probably a pumpkin-carriage out there somewhere overflowing with groupies peasant women who he also bedded. Plus, correct me if I’m wrong, but I can’t recall any fairytales ending with “And then they lived happily ever after… until their divorce three months later when every moment they breathed, they were in a living hell”. So I’m guessing he’s still married to them all. Which is a little bit illegal. And by a “litte bit”, I mean “definitely”.

Prince Charming

Step away from the princess, Charming.

Sleeping Beauty* Crime: Sexual Assault.

So this chick falls asleep in a dodgy, isolated area of the woods. (Or more likely, is in a coma, because let’s be honest, unless she’s had one hell of a night on the turps I don’t think she’d realistically manage to stay passed out for 100 years. More like 80 years. Max.) Nekminnit some sleazy princes stumbles along and makes out with her while she’s still unconscious and everybody is totally cool with it. Awesome. Can’t wait ’til my knight in shining armour comes along and forcibly sticks his tongue down my throat. That’s true love for sure.

sleeping beauty prince charming

Fairytales teach us that kissing an unconscious person is socially acceptable

Tommy Pickles from Rugrats. Crime: Break and Enter

This tiny tyrant is a crafty criminal in the making. Covertly carrying around a screwdriver that he stashes in his nappy, Tommy can bust out of anything from his playpen to gates in backyards. His natural predisposition for breaking into and out of places in this manner is clearly foreshadowing his talents as a break-and-enter criminal mastermind later in life. Meanwhile, the adults in the rugrats’ lives don’t have a clue what these kids (or should I say, gang that may one day be more notorious than the Hell’s Angels) are up to. As if Tommy isn’t crawling around thinking, “I didn’t choose the smug life, the smug life chose me”.

tommy pickles screwdriver rugrats

The second coolest screwdriver in the world (the first being the vodka-and-OJ kind)

Miss Piggy from the Muppets. Crime: Sexual Harassment

Miss Piggy spends the majority of her time chasing Kermit the Frog – who generally feels extremely uncomfortable when subjected to these unwanted advances. Yet, despite this, she continues. And that my friend, is called sexual harassment. Which is almost universally frowned upon. Except in certain suburbs of Sydney. But let’s not even open that can of worms.

miss piggy hits kermit the frog

She also hits Kermit a lot. Domestic violence? No biggie.

*Technically Sleeping Beauty is the victim here and not the perpetrator. But whatever, I’m inconsistent. Deal with it.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

Tagged , , , , ,

Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym on Facebook makes you look like a tosser

Let me preface this post with a clarification so as not to gravely offend those people who may see their behaviours reflected in the following online conduct: you are not an unsurpassed tosser because of this. You are probably one due to your countless unsavoury personality traits and the myriad other disturbing activities you engage in – wanky Facebook check-ins just being one of many. Phew. Glad I cleared that up. Could have gotten awkward. #SavedIt.

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, I’m going to give it to you straight. Just stop. Never check in to these places again unless you want me to stab your eyes out with a blunt 2B pencil. Or something less dramatic. Honestly, I’ll probably just mentally visualise a fist being shaken at your general direction. Being lazily passive-aggressive is so hot right now.

gym facebook check in

THE GYM

Come on – we get it! You’re busting your arse on the treadmill in a quest to develop a stomach flatter than a steamrolled pancake (if you’re female) or, if you’re a guy, abs more beefed-up than the strippers from Magic Mike if they were on steroids. But do 378 of your nearest and dearest really need to be informed each time you step inside a sweat-infested hell hole – or as I like to call it, the place where personal hygiene comes to die?

THE CINEMA

Unless it’s the premiere of The Great Gatsby and you just met Leo DiCaprio in person – and totally acted cool and not like you’d hump his leg if given the chance – then it’s doubtful your choice of entertainment for the night interests anybody. Maybe the director of the movie cares (or at least cares about the amount of dosh you just spent on tickets to see their film). Everyone else? Not so much.

facebook check in

AIRPORTS

This one is forgivable if (a) you’re going somewhere cool (b) you never travel anywhere or (c) your flight is not for ages and you’re sitting at the airport bar more bored than five-year-old at a tax office. But if you’re just doing the regular ol’ Sydney-to-Melbourne (and return) flight you do every month for business, then I wouldn’t even bother.

MORE THAN ONE BAR IN A NIGHT

All this bouncing about to different watering holes in the space of one night is giving me a headache. Also, are you aware that now that your whereabouts have digitally been made common knowledge, that person whose call you never returned/employee you fired/annoying in-law/circus clown that creeped you out in primary school but for some inexplicable reason added you on Facebook can stalk you under the guise of ‘I just happened to be in the neighbourhood’?

wedding facebook status

YOUR WEDDING

I am a self-confessed major social-media addict but – call me crazy – I still think there are places and occasions that maybe the internet shouldn’t be allowed to infiltrate. Your wedding is a big one. And I’m sure you can wait until after the honeymoon before changing your relationship status. As opposed to while walking down the aisle while juggling a bouquet in one hand and a pair of pliers in the other (for that moment you might want to go all Runaway Bride and need the tools to help you bust out through a bathroom window – obviously). Other events that probably don’t require you to check in while you’re physically there include: funerals, job interviews, the reading of your grandmother’s will, court appearances  and bank robberies (only if you’re the perpetrator in that last one – if you’re in a hostage sitch, by all means check in and help the local cop out with your whereabouts).

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

Tagged , , , , ,

Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note

Sometimes in life, your heart will be shattered by a person who I’m sure is lovely in most aspects of their life but for the purpose of this sentence sucks more than vacuum cleaner. We’ve all been there. (Except me of course – my heart is harder than Stonehenge after someone poured 500 litres of concrete on top and let it set. Plus I have no soul, so there’s that.) And what better way to deal with an imploding love life than by taking a look at some memorable on-screen break-ups? Because if movies and television teach us anything, it’s that we’re all freaking retarded when it comes to matters such as love. SPOILER ALERT: THEY ALL BREAK UP.

THE NOTEBOOK

The number of times I have heard people say they wish they could date a guy like Noah in The Notebook is ridiculous. I think their senses may have been impaired due to Ryan Gosling’s blindness-inducing attractiveness, because after he finishes it with the love of his life, THE GUY IN THIS MOVIE BECOMES A TOTAL STALKER. Allie didn’t come back because Noah restored the house where she almost lost her V-plates to him. Or because he wrote her 365 letters in a year. Or because he spent years pining over her after they separated – that’s all straight out of the USA’s newly instated 51st state: Territory of Crazy Town.  She came back because this is fiction. And because he looks like Ryan Gosling. That’s it. In reality, a guy who does those things is the same type of guy who has converted his basement to a dungeon and secretly plucks out one of your eyelashes so he can keep it in a jar next to his bed when you’re not around – creepy.

the notebook ryan gosling rachel mcadams

SEX AND THE CITY

You think ending things with someone via a text message or email is harsh? Try waking up to a post-it note doing the deed. Well, that’s exactly what happens to Carrie Bradshaw when one of her beaus hits the brakes on their relationship by putting pen to everyone’s favourite gloriously sticky yellow notepad.  Damn, man, that’s cold. Ice cold. Like ice-cube-in-an-ice-bar-in-Antarctica-when-someone’s-left-the-door-open-and-a-draught-is-let-in level of cold. Also, isn’t this guy supposed to be a writer? I mean, he could have come up with something better than “I’m sorry. I can’t. Don’t hate me.” Use your words dude!

sex and the city post it note

At least it’s succinct

TITANIC

Ok, Cal, you may have a valid reason to be upset – your girlfriend is making steamy handprints inside cars with the very sexy Jack Dawson while you’re busy doing rich people stuff. Like excessively slicking back your hair. Worse still, Jack’s poor (eww).  If you weren’t fired up enough already, he even had the audacity to draw Rose naked while she was wearing the super-expensive blue diamond necklace you gave her. Awkward. But dealing with it by trying to shoot her (and her new lover) as the ship you’re all in plunges hopelessly into the freezing Atlantic Ocean? I’m no relationship expert, but I think there’s no coming back from that one.

titanic billy zane shooting scene

And cue crazy break-up face!

THE NEW GIRL

This isn’t the first time someone’s been sans clothing during the precise moment their on-screen relationship falls apart – for example, anyone remember Jason Segal being dumped in Forgetting Sarah Marshall? Which begs the question: is this a thing now? I can’t recall any of my friends ever wailing “We just broke up! And I was naaaaaaaaaaked! Oh God – THE HUMANITY!” Well, sure, I’m usually mentally humming the score to Grease when friends tell me their problems as I attempt to tune out their words. But I’m sure I would have snapped back to reality when I heard nudity was involved. Right? But the point is, walking in to see your boyfriend with another woman sucks to begin with, but when you’re naked at the time that suckiness increases at least tenfold.

new girl jess break up

THE SOCIAL NETWORK

Ah, the break-up that spawned a revolution. As soon as the words “we should just be friends” were uttered to a baby-faced Mark Zuckerberg during his studies at Harvard, it set in motion plans for what would ultimately become the greatest stalking and time-sucking medium the world has ever seen. And it all began because some girl thought he was a bit of a dick. True, Zuckerberg most likely is an arsehole. But he’s an arsehole who created a social media network that we’re more reliant on than a heroin junkie is on their drug dealer. And he’s now worth a fuckload of money.  There’s gotta be some sense of justice in that result (even if the world’s population still hates him). Unfortunately, most of us won’t be able to make it rain after we’re dumped. Unless the ‘rain’ consists of tears and spilt vodka. Shit.

the social network break up scenefacebook mark zuckerberg

“You are probably going to be a very successful computer person. But you’re going to go through life thinking that girls don’t like you because you’re a nerd. And I want you to know, from the bottom of my heart, that that won’t be true. It’ll be because you’re an arsehole.”

So basically, scripted break-ups go down way more smoothly and occasionally in a more poetic fashion than the real thing. Who knew?  Usually, the next best thing to closure you’re going to get in reality is crying into a cheeseburger at McDonalds while a homeless man (not played by Ryan Gosling) stares at your chest. And that’s ok.  Because you’ve got a cheeseburger and they are nothing if not delicious.

mcdonalds cheeseburger

Om nom nom. I repeat: Nom.

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games

I know what just shot straight to the forefront of your mind after reading that sentence. Three beautiful words.

Goon. Of. Fortune.

goon of fortune

Australia’s greatest invention: Goon of Fortune

With that nugget of alcohol-ingesting brilliance, what more could we possibly need, you ask? Well, riddle me this: did Ian Thorpe win one gold medal at his first Olympics then hang up his insanely large flippers and not bother swimming in any more races? Did the Beatles record Love Me Do then say “Ah, screw it – let them just play that on repeat for the next 50 years”? And did Mr Squiggle use his talented pencil nose to create works of art which paralleled Picasso on the scale of excellence – in a hostile work environment, mind you (grumpy blackboard, anyone?) –  just once? Or did this master of drawing continually bring his shit to the proverbial table time and time again?

I think we all know the answer.

Which brings us to one undeniable conclusion. We, collectively as a nation, owe it to the Commonwealth of Australia and to THE CONSTITUTION to lift our game exponentially. We need to take it upon ourselves to adhere more closely to the governing foundation that keeps this country functioning effectively – our excessive love of booze and drinking.

Therefore, I propose we need to develop a few Aussie drinking games that pay tribute to the most beloved aspects of our culture. I’ll start the ball rolling with a few suggestions. You’re welcome!

WOM-SHOTS

I have a Canadian friend who I met on the rooftop of a hostel in London when I was just 19. Let’s call him Kyle. Because that is his name. He recently asked me if Australia has any cool drinking games. In the spirit of drop bears or otherwise inventing scenarios solely to fool unsuspecting, gullible foreigners for amusement purposes, I told him about the “massively popular” drinking game called “wom-shots”. Basically, this edging-towards-sadistic-but-not-quite-there-yet game involves chasing wombats and after catching one, lining up a row of a shots along its back. Then, the aim is to down as many of them as possible with your hands tied behind your back before the wombat waddles away (or whatever wombats do) leaving behind a trail of spilt tequila in the bush.*

He believed me. He also denies ever believing me. What a noob. **

*Please note the RSPCA may or may not particularly approve of this game.
**Just kidding Kyle, you’re alright. Even with the lame ‘being Canadian’ thing you’ve got going on.

canadian kyle

Was I tasteful? Your call Kyle, your call.

EXTREME JELLY SHOTS

Continuing the Aussie-wildlife theme, this game necessitates a small amount of preparation. You will need to make a batch of jelly shots beforehand. Once they are ready, find a friendly echidna that is just kicking about, preferably one with a copious number of spikes. Carefully place as many jelly shots as you have on its spikes, then consume said jelly shots at will. Beware of sharp points.

Note: please only attempt if you are a Super Cool Rockstar. Like Dave Grohl. The D-Man could handle this. You could not.

PASH AND POP (SOME PASSION POP)

In this highly sophisticated game, people will open a bottle of Passion Pop (“pop” it open, if you will) then drunkenly make out with the closest attractive, equally belligerent person – hence the “pash” part. Ok, so maybe this sort of thing has been going on since teenagers discovered alcohol is pretty much liquid gold and it isn’t technically a game per se – but now there’s a totally punny name to refer to it by!  Bitches love puns. And, clearly, Passion Pop is one of the most important Australian cultural icons so it snugly fits that part of the criteria. Even if its price has risen slightly since I was 16. Seriously, if it doesn’t cost $3, you might as well buy a bottle of Moët, bust out your monocle and pearl necklace and be done with it.

monocle simpsons homer

Monocles: making trashy people sort-of classy since ye olde days

UPDATE!! KYLE REACTS!!!

Canadian Kyle read the post and informed me of his thoughts thusly:

kyle canada scorpion woman

I get called a devil woman at least twice weekly – but this is new!

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.

I don’t feel like that statement even needs qualifying. Some ideas are just so unquestionably accurate that once pointed out, their truth becomes so obvious that it’s basically like the time that everyone realised Paris Hilton wasn’t actually famous for anything and consequently stopped paying attention to her.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton: the Kim Kardashian of 2004

But if you’re still in as much denial as a 14th century map designer – or cartographer, if you want to get fancy – here are the main reasons why the humble tumbleweed trumps your BF in cool stakes:

1. Everyone knows a guest appearance on The Simpsons is the ULTIMATE form of cultural capital. And the tumbleweed has rocked up on-screen on multiple occasions. So, unless you’re bed-buddies with Michael Jackson, Martha Stewart, a member of N*SYNC, or even more impressively, Sideshow Bob (which, let’s be honest, I’m not awesome enough to be friends with anyone that’s dating someone with a head of hair that magnificent) then a tumbleweed clearly has more swag. Plus, I dare anyone to watch this clip repeatedly and not laugh Every Single Time.

A clip from a little-known show you may have heard of, it’s called The Simpsons

2. Tumbleweeds would make the perfect companions. If they were to magically transform – Frosty-the-Snowman style – into an actual human being, imagine the personality traits they would take with them! Considering their most famous characteristic is just rolling about in the middle of nowhere like they don’t give a fuck, it’d be feasible to assume Mr Human Tumbleweed would be a pretty laidback kinda guy – he’d just roll with it. Meaning minimal couple spats. Sorted.

tumbleweed snowman

Just add glasses

3. They bring the Lolz. Tumbleweeds are hilarious. Without even trying. In comedian terms, a tumbleweed is like the complete opposite of Jim Carrey’s OTT demeanour in, well, everything he’s ever done except The Number 23. An undisputed fact of life is that the addition of a tumbleweed makes everything approximately 78 percent funnier. I bet it’s even part of a secret formula that gets delivered to writers of successful sitcoms inside their Hilarious Jokes Bible. Conclusion: understated comedy? Gold. And your boyfriend probably tells knock-knock jokes.

tumbleweed

How could you not love this little guy?!

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit.

Let me paint this picture for you. You know that one day a year you look forward to the most? If you’re under the age of 12, that day’s probably Christmas, with Easter and its associated family-endorsed mass-inhaling of chocolate placing a close second. Meanwhile, if you’re a narcissistic arsehole, your favourite day is more likely your birthday while for fans of forced romance and overpriced rose petals, Valentine’s Day is the pick of the bunch.

Well, for me, the sex-for-your-ears music festival, Soundwave, is the day that metaphorically rips the arteries from the bodies of all other days, reengineers this vital organ into guitar strings then rocks the shit out of the joint by playing this disgustingly graphic – and probably ineffective – instrument, before relentlessly mocking every other date on the calendar that just couldn’t make the cut.

Too much? Fair call.

I wore a white shirt to Soundwave with my awesome friend Cat. It later rained. That was unfortunate.

I wore a white shirt to Soundwave with my awesome friend Cat. It later rained. That was unfortunate.

Anyway, while Soundwave is the epitome of musical bliss in my mind, the surrounding days – and their epic sideshows – are also pretty cool. Among those I went to, the Billy Talent and Sum 41 gig was one I was particularly keen for.

billy talent sum 41 gig music live bands

Instagramming tickets: almost as cool as taking a pic of my breakfast

However, apparently these super-mellow things called ‘mosh pits’ are COMPLETELY FRAUGHT WITH IPHONE-THREATENING DANGER. Somewhere between Billy Talent’s energetic rendition of Running Across the Tracks and Sum 41 skilfully busting out the classics despite Deryck Whibley’s unfortunate Ronald McDonald-like hair, my phone went MIA. Cue disaster. Sadly, I never managed to find it. And somehow, with the number of potential screen-smashing limbs in attendance at this gig, I’m feeling like the outlook is grim.

On the plus side, I made it to the front row. Right up against the barrier. If I was that way inclined, I totally could have licked it. (Side note: I did not lick the barrier. That would be weird.)

I can't prove my view was closer than this because I had no phone but let's all just agree that it was

I can’t prove my view was closer than this because I had no phone but let’s all just agree that it was

In order to make myself feel much better about losing such a treasured possession, I’ve compiled a list of five other places that almost rival a mosh pit as the worst place to lose or drop your phone.

1. THE GAP BETWEEN THE TRAIN AND THE STATION PLATFORM

Don’t lie – you’ve pictured it haven’t you? Dropping anything here would be so ridiculously frustrating – not least because you’d probably still be able to see it, but any attempt to reach it could result in a rapid – and unqualified – amputation of your arm due the whole ‘moving trains’ business.

2. IN A GLASS CONTAINING VODKA AND ORANGE JUICE (OR ANY OTHER LESS SPECIFIC LIQUID) 

I can neither confirm nor deny that this has happened to me in the past. Look, all I’ll say is that historically, I haven’t had the best luck with phones. But, I mean, some of the buttons still worked – you just couldn’t use vowels when texting and sometimes you couldn’t press the button to end calls. Apart from that it was all good. I swear!

3. A GIANT HANDBAG

Laaaadies – you understand what I’m talking about. Scrounging around a handbag trying to find a ringing phone before the call ends could possibly be one of the most annoying things on the planet. Except maybe Will Ferrell. He’s pretty irritating. But at least your phone will only be lost temporarily here. So that’s a win.

4. BURIED IN A SANDPIT 

I’m not sure what you’re doing in a sandpit when there’s plenty of perfectly good beaches to play on, but whatever you do, do not lose your phone here. I’m still reeling over the time I buried my Bambi toy in the primary school sandpit when I was six years old and it was gone forever. I still get cold chills at night thinking about that incident. Not cool.

5. THE MOUTH OF A SHARK AND/OR CROCODILE

Granted, unless you’re trying to emulate Steve Irwin it’s doubtful this scenario is likely to occur. Still, there’s no denying that this would be a pretty sucky place to drop a phone. So. Many. Sharp. Teeth.

iphone

End result

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Lesson #37 “JUST BE MY COMPANY” = totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate

Within a few months of moving to Sydney at the beginning of 2012, I found myself needing a new pad to live in. So, like all desperate tech-savvy peeps of my generation, I turned to my ol’ pal Gumtree. This is the ad I posted:

23-year-old female looking for suckers to live with. Basically.

So paying my rent all by my lonesome after a break up is dangerously depleting my alcohol replenishment fund (read: goon money) and due to this catastrophe I need a new place to live in Sydney and some peeps who can call me their roomie.

I’m a 23-year-old single female or, as my parents feel the need to remind me, someone old enough to know better. I can’t promise a shoulder to cry on during those cold, lonely nights (because obviously, I have no soul) but I can assure you I will inject a healthy dose of sarcasm into your life and ensure you receive a deluge of helpful comments such as “you’re shit” and “you’re ruining my life” on a daily basis. Sometimes I’ll even get crazy, mix it up and say “You’re ruining my liiiiiiiiiiife” instead. Because adding unnecessary syllables makes me hardcore.

Currently I’m working as a journalist so expect all aspects of your life and every action you take henceforth to become future fodder for my writing unless you constantly bribe me with Mars Bars or buy me a goldfish named Lil Flip.

Preferably, I would like to live with females because, you know, bitches be crazy, but could be persuaded to live with guys provided their behaviour isn’t primarily influenced by Big Brother circa 2006 (or as Jesus calls it, “the Turkey Slap era”). Would also not enjoy living with serial killers or date rapists. Petty thieves negotiable.

You’ll be impressed to note that historically I have never missed a single rent payment despite my irrefutable tendency to blow my money on financially irresponsible items. Ideally, I’d like to find a place in the Eastern Suburbs or the Inner West as that’s where the cool kids be at yo.

In the words of one of the greatest pioneers of share-house living, aka that dude from Jersey Shore who looks like a tandoori chicken sandwich… except without the sandwich: “Come at me broooooo (and let me live with you)”*

*I may or may not have taken liberties with Mr Ronnie OrangeAndTooMuscly’s speech. He loves it.

jersey shore housemates

New housemates?

Unfortunately, Gumtree apparently has a word limit for posts so I couldn’t mention that I also own a washing machine and therefore it could be assumed I have at least a passable level of personal hygiene (win!) or the fact I have a pink pencil with the words “Shut the fuck up” emblazoned on its side (handy!).

Without being too dramatic, leaving out these vital details was pretty devastating.

However, despite the grave injustice of this forced exclusion of info, I still received some replies.

This guy was a front runner  in the search-for-Erin’s-new-housemate competition for a while: (click to enlarge image)

Using commas as apostrophes is just so attractive.

Using commas as apostrophes is just so attractive.

But this response almost gave SUSH a run for his money:

You had me at alcohol

You had me at alcohol

Ultimately, I ended up moving in with a friend of a friend who, two days later, moved back to Queensland, leaving me in a house full of (probably non-crazy) strangers. Which kind of made the whole Gumtree-ad thing redundant. But thanks for playing anyway. And SUSH – call me!

More Lessons

Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit

Tagged , , , , , ,