Let me paint this picture for you. You know that one day a year you look forward to the most? If you’re under the age of 12, that day’s probably Christmas, with Easter and its associated family-endorsed mass-inhaling of chocolate placing a close second. Meanwhile, if you’re a narcissistic arsehole, your favourite day is more likely your birthday while for fans of forced romance and overpriced rose petals, Valentine’s Day is the pick of the bunch.
Well, for me, the sex-for-your-ears music festival, Soundwave, is the day that metaphorically rips the arteries from the bodies of all other days, reengineers this vital organ into guitar strings then rocks the shit out of the joint by playing this disgustingly graphic – and probably ineffective – instrument, before relentlessly mocking every other date on the calendar that just couldn’t make the cut.
Too much? Fair call.
Anyway, while Soundwave is the epitome of musical bliss in my mind, the surrounding days – and their epic sideshows – are also pretty cool. Among those I went to, the Billy Talent and Sum 41 gig was one I was particularly keen for.
However, apparently these super-mellow things called ‘mosh pits’ are COMPLETELY FRAUGHT WITH IPHONE-THREATENING DANGER. Somewhere between Billy Talent’s energetic rendition of Running Across the Tracks and Sum 41 skilfully busting out the classics despite Deryck Whibley’s unfortunate Ronald McDonald-like hair, my phone went MIA. Cue disaster. Sadly, I never managed to find it. And somehow, with the number of potential screen-smashing limbs in attendance at this gig, I’m feeling like the outlook is grim.
On the plus side, I made it to the front row. Right up against the barrier. If I was that way inclined, I totally could have licked it. (Side note: I did not lick the barrier. That would be weird.)
In order to make myself feel much better about losing such a treasured possession, I’ve compiled a list of five other places that almost rival a mosh pit as the worst place to lose or drop your phone.
1. THE GAP BETWEEN THE TRAIN AND THE STATION PLATFORM
Don’t lie – you’ve pictured it haven’t you? Dropping anything here would be so ridiculously frustrating – not least because you’d probably still be able to see it, but any attempt to reach it could result in a rapid – and unqualified – amputation of your arm due the whole ‘moving trains’ business.
2. IN A GLASS CONTAINING VODKA AND ORANGE JUICE (OR ANY OTHER LESS SPECIFIC LIQUID)
I can neither confirm nor deny that this has happened to me in the past. Look, all I’ll say is that historically, I haven’t had the best luck with phones. But, I mean, some of the buttons still worked – you just couldn’t use vowels when texting and sometimes you couldn’t press the button to end calls. Apart from that it was all good. I swear!
3. A GIANT HANDBAG
Laaaadies – you understand what I’m talking about. Scrounging around a handbag trying to find a ringing phone before the call ends could possibly be one of the most annoying things on the planet. Except maybe Will Ferrell. He’s pretty irritating. But at least your phone will only be lost temporarily here. So that’s a win.
4. BURIED IN A SANDPIT
I’m not sure what you’re doing in a sandpit when there’s plenty of perfectly good beaches to play on, but whatever you do, do not lose your phone here. I’m still reeling over the time I buried my Bambi toy in the primary school sandpit when I was six years old and it was gone forever. I still get cold chills at night thinking about that incident. Not cool.
5. THE MOUTH OF A SHARK AND/OR CROCODILE
Granted, unless you’re trying to emulate Steve Irwin it’s doubtful this scenario is likely to occur. Still, there’s no denying that this would be a pretty sucky place to drop a phone. So. Many. Sharp. Teeth.
Lesson #82 Everything becomes a potential weapon if you think you’re being followed Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.