You’re walking home one night. You’re alone. It’s dark. And you’re heading down a path that’s a little bit stabby.
Maybe you’re a vampire who adores leisurely strolls in the moonlight and sculling human blood like someone just called last drinks at the bar. Or you could just be heading home from work/a friend’s place/boozy night on the town. Which I guess is more likely. Whatever, I don’t want to make assumptions; I’m not here to judge.
You keep walking and it gets to the point where you’re convinced that guy behind you is following waaaaaaay too closely. This is it, you think, I am definitely going to die a slow, excruciating death in about 20 seconds. AND I DIDN’T EVEN FIND OUT WHO GOT EVICTED FROM BIG BROTHER THIS WEEK.UGGGGHH. FML.
So. What do you do? After searching your pockets for some form of self-defence mechanism , you don’t find a gun (because, uh, you’re not crazy and/or an American) or a razor (yep, not a character in the fourth season of Underbelly either) so your mind rapidly starts looking for answers. Then it comes to you – you’ll get all MacGyver-esque and get yourself out of the situation by unrealistically turning everyday objects that you find in your pockets or handbag into HARDCORE WEAPONS OF DESTRUCTION to use against the aforementioned creepy guy.
The following items commonly found in your handbag/wallet/pockets are brilliant for transforming into makeshift weapons:
All you have to do is origami the shit out of them and fold in the correct manner according to several complex directions found on the internet until it transforms into a machete or something. Sure, credit card material is a little tougher to fold than paper – as in there’s a 50/50 chance it’ll snap in half, release thousands of tiny flesh-piercing credit-cards shards into the air, land in your eye and irreparably impair your vision for the next 40 years until a cure for blindness is discovered. But don’t even worry about that. You got this!
Just rub these babies against concrete until the ends have been worn into sharp pointy bits that resemble darts. Then use them as darts against your would-be attacker pretending he or she is dart board! Ten points for hitting or at least grazing the person after you’ve thrown the pencil-dart at them. You’ll receive 50 for a straight-in-the-eye shot and if you get it stuck in their belly button you get 50 000 points, your framed photo in the pencil-dart hall of fame and a special place in my heart for just being so awesome.
Nothing like a good jab in the ol’ [insert any vulnerable body part whatsoever – I’m not fussy] with a key to show someone who’s boss. This is like the fast food equivalent of weapons – quick, cheap, ready-made, not-even-an-idiot-could-mess-it-up but you’d probably still rather something a little fancier. Basically, just use it like a shank and try to do some stabbing. For posh rich people who only own cars with keyless entry and swipe passes to access their homes… well, sorry peeps, guess this tip’s not for you. I mean you could always try jabbing with that little non-key box thing. Couldn’t hurt to try, really.
If Lenny from The Simpsons has taught us anything (other than being too close-knit with a black friend of the same gender will make people automatically assume you are gay), it’s that you should never get anything lodged in your eye – least of all coins. Using this concept as your guiding principle, you should throw a handful of coins in the same way you’d throw a Frisbee to someone… except you aim for their eyes. There is no possible way this could turn out badly. Not even slightly. Yeah, you might not die. Maybe.
Lesson #6 Mary Poppins is such a stoner
Lesson #50 Checking in at the gym makes you look like a tosser
Lesson #213 Never break up with someone through a post-it note
Lesson #75 Asking your boss for a payrise via a birthday card is a brilliant idea
Lesson #463 Our country sadly lacks Australian-centric drinking games
Lesson #184 Tumbleweeds are cooler than your boyfriend. Fact.
Lesson #12 Worst place to lose an iPhone? Probably a mosh pit
Lesson #37 “Just be my company” = Totally legit reply and not even slightly desperate.